Big Head Press

L. Neil Smith's
Number 536, September 13, 2009

"Spirits crushed so badly that the victims
have no way of knowing they've been crushed."

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I love obscene phone calls!
by phone phreak Don Meinshausen

Attribute to The Libertarian Enterprise

Nowadays there is no more privacy. So I just might as well admit it. All my other guilty pleasures are illegal or politically incorrect. However this one just might get by, at least by liberals. It releases all types of unhealthy emotions. It's stimulating. It's free. And it's good for everyone. And best of all they ask for it. They actually beg for it. So here I can give them all the abuse they have been giving others. They deserve it and it does give me a sadistic satisfaction even though it's just over the phone.

What I'm talking about is not phone sex. It's fund raising calls from the Republican Party. Frankly this is a new kink for me. I listen to them as they tie themselves up in their own lines. It is just another form of bondage, since they are destroying the bond market. The fact that they call me and beg for money when their masters have stolen so much is the ultimate of chutzpah. But I love it and this is how the game goes. At any time the kinky scene may start with the ringing of the bell.

"Hello. Is this Mr. Mine How Zen?"

"Who is this and who are you with?"

I can tell immediately if it's someone who's trying to sell me something.

"This is the Republican Party organization calling you with an important message from Michael Reagan, the talk show host and son of President Reagan. Is this Mr. Mine How Zen?" Will you listen?"


My lips curl with outrage then glee. A canned message from the son of the canned corn messenger Ronald Reagan goes on. It seems that this is an attempt to raise money to buy a fool page ad in the USA Today congratulating Bush the second for der Furor's Geburtstag which was coming up. This is a way to stand up to the liberals and other enemies of the state or so went the talkmeister. After all didn't Bush II defend us from terrorism for almost 8 years? I recall that the first act of terrorism happened in 1993, then there was 9/11 in 2001. It would seem that once again we are due. There was a brief mention that maybe some of us are slightly disappointed with some of his decisions. The message ends when I think of my reply and the boiler room operator comes on again...

"Well Mr. Mine How Zen, wasn't that a great message from Mr. Reagan? Could we count on you for a pledge of $100 to help buy this ad? You would get a color photograph of Mr. Bush as a thank you gift and also have your name listed in the ad!"

Just the thing to line my bird cage with. Not that I have any more birds left. Poultry isn't cheap anymore, when all you have left is chickenfeed. Have my name listed as another sucker of his as a badge of public shame. That's probably his kink. Its time to tell the young whippersnapper who snaps the whip around here. I start to tell him some things about myself.

"I first started with conservative politics in 1963 when I was in Youth for Goldwater. I write for conservative blogs and free market media."

"So we can count on your support then?"

H.L. Mencken defined democracy as giving the voter what we wanted. Good and hard. Now I let him have it. The truth hurts so well.

"I want you to know that I have never been so disgusted with a politician since George Bush. He's even worse than his father. Is there some depraved genetic experiment going on about breeding socialism, corruption and stupidity? This guy made Nixon look good."

"Well, we all make mistakes."

"This guy has made nothing but mistakes. His No Child Left Behind was a creature of the teacher's unions and Ted Kennedy. It was a betrayal of home schoolers and religious educators of America who gave him their votes not the schoolteacher's unions. Then there is the fact that for over 6 and half years he never vetoed a bill. This guy signed every earmark, boondoggle and subsidy that ever crossed his desk. And why did he bail out all those banks, investment firms and insurance companies that cost every American family thousands of dollars?"

"I see. Could we then count on a contribution of $50?"

No this guy could not see. He could not see anything but his own script.

"Have you considered having Jack Abramoff doing some fund raising for you? And of course Enron was his greatest financial supporter when he ran in 2000. Or how about asking all those friends of Dick Cheney who are making a fortune off the war?"

"But didn't Bush save us from terrorism when he invaded Iraq and Afghanistan? Isn't he also known as a compassionate conservative?"

"Iraq and Afghanistan are lasting longer than the Second World War and will be even more expensive. And we are going to lose just like in Vietnam. The Afghanis use weapons that we gave them to kick out the Soviets. And they kicked out the Brits twice in the 19th century. Their entire economy is based on growing opium and smuggling it out of the country, so our soldiers will come back as drug dealers and addicts. If we legalized opiates there might be a chance of defeating the Taliban. But could you have expected some president who is so evil, unprincipled and stupid that he arrested people for medical marijuana even consider such an idea?"

"Well could we count on a support level of $25 then?"

I started to feel sorry for this guy even as he blindly stuck to his script. He was quite polite whenever I trashed his hero. Now I understand why politicians want state funded elections. It would save them an awful lot of humiliation. Could you imagine them having a fund drive to raise money for the bailout of the banks? Or for the war? Or to just to pay the income tax?

He might be a stupid cult follower of the Bush family. But also the economy has humbled him to making a pathetic living reading from a script in a boiler room. He probably worked on pure commission. I wanted to give him an option. I was at first going to suggest some humiliating sexual act to perform. Instead I offered him a redeeming act of political morality.

"Well, if you were to promise me that the money was to be used to bring Bush up on charges for high treason for his assault on the Constitution I could help you."

"Well sir, you have a good day now."

And with that he hung up. And I did have a good day after that just because of him. I guess he knew that too. For in the next week I got another phone call just like that one asking for money for the Bush ad. I really like democracy when they ask us to get involved. Don't you?

Don Meinshausen is a libertarian founder, strategist, songwriter and humorist recently released from prison for his non-violent disobedience against the state. He is currently looking for work and donations. If you know of any, he can be reached at


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