Special to L. Neil Smith's The Libertarian Enterprise
(I first wrote this back on 7-16-09. I'm making the offer once
again, but this time I've revised it to be more of a hard-ass than two
Let's face it, my friends. The Federal Government in its present form
is irretrievably broken. No tinkering, no new President, no new laws
will fix the Federal Government of the United States of America. If
the USA wants to avoid complete economic and monetary collapse, a
radical change must be embraced right away. Congress just wasted a
chance to turn America toward survival in the debt ceiling theatrical
production. That was probably the last chance they will get.
We need to go in a new direction. Actually, to be more accurate, in an
Think about it. A king is one guy. He only has about 18 hours each day
to do kingly stuff. So, he can't meddle in very much simply because he
doesn't have the time. Everyone in America would be a lot freer with a
King on the throne.
So, I nominate myself, Russell D. Longcore, as the new King of the
United States of America.
I don't want to be King forever. I'll take the job on a one year
basis. I demand complete, unchallengeable, absolute power for one
year. Then, at the end of that year, the states can have an election
to see if I get my job for another year. And on it will go until I
don't want to be King any more, or get voted out of office, or get
assassinated by an unemployed lobbyist.
You don't even have to call me "your Majesty" or anything like that.
"Mr. Longcore" or "King Russell" will do nicely.
As the first Candidate for US King, here is what I pledge to do in my
year. I have written this list in no particular order of importance,
only as the ideas came into my mind:
- Set the salary of the King at $100 million per year. That's still
less than some corporate executives make.
- End the personal income tax and dissolve the IRS: On my first day as
King, income taxes are gone.
- Dissolve Congress: Who needs Congress when I'm King? Rex Lex and all
that. I won't have time to pass a bunch of new laws.
- Tell all the States that they are on their own for operations,
including the coining of money and taking care of the roads. No more
Federal money for anything.
- Dissolve All Cabinet-Level Departments except State, Treasury,
Defense & Interior: Abolish all of the three-letter agencies, like
EPA, DOE, DEA, FCC, FDA, etc. Then, I'll shrink those remaining
Departments to about one-tenth their size, maybe less. I promise they
won't have much to do.
- Dissolve the Army: I'll close the Pentagon and sell the building or
turn it into an antiques mall. We'll go back to using state militias
just in case Canada invades us. I'll close West Point, Annapolis and
the Air Force Academy, too.
- Shrink the Air Force, Navy and Marine Corps to about 10,000 members
each: If we're only protecting our own borders, we don't need all that
hardware and manpower.
- Mothball 75% of all military ships, armor and aircraft just for a
- Cancel all orders for military planes, tanks, ships, new whiz-bang
- Order the dismantling of 90% of our nuclear missile inventory.
- Close 90% of domestic military bases and give the properties back to
- Close all foreign military bases, apologize to each nation, give
back the property to the various nations, bring all troops home.
- NASA is a goner. If you want to go into space, pay for it yourself.
- Lift all restrictions on domestic oil and gas exploration.
- Lift all regulations on nuclear power plant construction.
- Shrink Supreme Court to three Justices who serve at my pleasure. Who
needs nine old duffers arguing amongst themselves? Besides, they have
no power to enforce any judicial decision. The power is all mine.
- Give back all Federal property to the states. Let them decide what
to do with it.
- Cancel all treaties with other nations. Negotiate new treaties if I
think we need them... and if I have time. A King's gotta sleep, you
- Cancel our membership in the United Nations and NATO, and kick the
UN out of the US.
- Fire the Federal Reserve.
- Make fractional reserve banking illegal, and counterfeiters will get
the death penalty.
- Cancel all Federal gun laws and regulations. Once again, it's up to
- Get rid of all intelligence agencies except CIA. Rename it the Royal
Intelligence Agency. Then figure out what kinds of "intel" we really
need if we're minding our own business. The RIA may become just me and
about six other guys, plus a couple secretaries in case we need to
write something down or need coffee and a bagel.
- Place Federal money on the gold and silver standard. Only issue gold
and silver coins and redeemable paper money equal to our Royal
precious metal holdings. Allow the price of gold and silver to be
determined by the free market. No Federal price control. No
regulation, no legal tender laws.
- No subsidies for anything. No price supports for anything.
- Cancel ALL foreign aid payments to everybody. World, you're on your
own to work out your problems.
- Cancel all Federal debt. The Federal Government is bankrupt. If
debtors want to get paid, tell them to take it up with the guys I just
fired. We pay our bills out of income, not borrowing from the world.
- We will trade with everybody around the world who wants to trade
with us, and stop meddling in their affairs.
- By the way, Federal income will come from a 10% national sales tax.
No tariffs. If God can get by on 10% so can the King.
- Dissolve the FDIC. If you put your money in a bank, you assume all
the risk for what happens to it. Don't pick bad banks. End of
- Dissolve the DEA. End the "War on Drugs." Make all recreational
drugs legal and empty out the prisons of prisoners on drug convictions.
- Give Hawaii back to Hawaiians if they want it.
- Enforce our border with Mexico with shoot-to-kill-on-sight orders.
- Rent out the House of Representatives and Senate chambers for gun
shows and flea markets. They are big rooms... they should be have some
- Airports will be friendly again. No Federal gropers, no security
other than what the airport and airlines provide. No metal detectors.
Flying will be pleasant again.
- If a hurricane or tornado hits your area, there will be no Federal
help of any kind. And the King will not visit your area to make you
- Completely stop immigration for one year while we figure out how to
- End all Federal holidays. If you want a holiday, take one on your
- Anything else that comes up, I'll figure it out later.
OK, Americans. Here I am, ready to be your benevolent Monarch. Just
tell me what day you want me to move in at the White House. Once I get
there I probably won't even walk outside for the first year, since I'm
pretty sure that some unemployed banker, Federal worker or lobbyist
would try to kill me. Sure hope they still have that bowling alley in
the White House basement.
I won't need a crown. If I think I should have one, I'll send somebody
down to Burger King and have him bring back one of those cardboard
jobs. Should be enough for state dinners and such. I have plenty of
hats at home that I can bring with me. I even have a red fez with a
gold tassel. That could be my crown.
I'm going to need a throne, though. Are there any really big chairs in
the White House? If not, I have leather chair with an ottoman here at
home that I can bring with me. A throne could be really expensive.
Is Paula Deen available to be the White House chef? I'm just sayin'...
DumpDC. Six Letters That Can Change History.
© Copyright 2011, Russell D. Longcore. Permission
in whole or in part is gladly granted, provided full credit
Russell D. Longcore is an insurance claims consultant based in
Marietta, Georgia. He is the author of the hot-selling book,
"Insurance Claim Secrets REVEALED!" which has been a Number
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