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L. Neil Smith's
Number 621, May 29, 2011

"Anything less than freedom is not freedom, but something else."

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Barack Obama and the Incredible Flying Spaghetti Monster
by L. Reichard White

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Special to The Libertarian Enterprise

This tall tale is about a legend that wasn't. It's brought to you by Mr. Obama, Uncle Sam—and The Incredible Flying Spaghetti Monster.

The story begins with the original attack on Afghanistan in October of 2001.

Did attorney Ron Kuby over-state the case at that time when he quipped, "It's ironic to me that we can commit a nation to war... on less evidence than it takes to convict someone for smoking a joint in downtown Manhattan?"

Apparently he didn't.

According to FBI chief Robert Mueller, after the most intensive investigation in history, the FBI "believed" the 911 conspiracy, though conceived in Afghanistan, was implemented in the United Arab Emirates (UAE) and Germany.

But remember the hijackers got all those U.S. flight lessons—and they hung out a lot in Vegas. So we can add the U.S. to Mr. Mueller's list. But for some reason, Uncle didn't attack Germany, UAE—or himself.

Despite Mueller and the FBI, the Bush Administration somehow decided the brains of the outfit was Osama bin Laden.

OK. Then how about a little thing called "extradition?" Always WAY cheaper than war. And, clearly, more effective.

Unfortunately, The Taliban, the legitimate leaders of Afghanistan at that time, secretly funded into existence by Uncle Sam via the CIA to fight the Russians, actually wanted proof. I know, quaint and old-fashoned, but you have to cut them some slack. After-all, they're "fundamentalists." They're just not as modern as Gitmo, waterboarding, drones collateral damage, etc.

Well, unfortunately, as Kuby surmised and Mueller revealed, Uncle Sam didn't have the proof. You can see for yourself from the FBI Wanted Poster. Not a single mention of the 911 attacks—or any attacks within U.S. borders.

And Mr. George "Dubya" Bush's behavior at the time didn't exactly improve matters—

Clerics urge US not to attack Afghanistan. Urge US to have patience. Kelly Wallace reports Bush not likely to approve of Cleric's position: wants action. -CNN bottom banner, September 20, 2001, 07:05:07

So Bush GOT the action he wanted by bombing the folks in Afghanistan.

Bush says Taliban rebuffed Saturday's offer [to stop bombing if bin Laden & cohorts turned over]. Says they need to, "without seeing proof,"...turn him over. -CNN HLN banner, October 15, 2001, 02:29:20

It was as if the Russians demanded we turn over Billy Graham for crimes they couldn't prove, and, when the Department of Justice asked for evidence, they invaded and bombed the U.S. instead. And after eight years of breaking into our homes, often questioning us in a language we couldn't understand, and killing thousands of our men, women and children—but failing to find Billy—the Russians and their allies surged another 30,000 or so more troops onto the Eastern seaboard.

"We" wouldn't appreciate that of course. But, since we're Americans—and thus "exceptional"—we can do such things to other people and the world loves us for it. Even if the world's 1.6 billion Muslims are a bit dubious.

Reuters: 83% of Pakistani's are behind the Taliban. 82% regard Ossama bin Laden as a Holy Warrior and not a terrorist. -FOX NEWS banner, October 15, 2001, 15:39:08

So, "extradition" got lost somewhere. In the depths of George "Dubya's" dyslexia? And going to "war" apparently does require "less evidence than it takes to convict someone for smoking a joint in downtown Manhattan."

This lack of evidence, "Dubya's" behavior in that Fla. kindergarden at attack-time, the failure of NORAD to scramble fighters, Uncle allowing the bin Laden family to fly out of the country though all other planes were grounded, the inexplicable symmetrical implosion of WTC Building 7, and a bunch of other things—made all sorts of folks—besides attorney Kuby—suspicious of Uncle Sam's official tale.

British Cabinet Minister Michael Meacher, for example. Not to mention the BBC affiliated producers of the cult-classic real-life "horror" documentary, "The Power of Nightmares." Including, even, "we the people."

So, it seems, maybe Osama didn't deserve his status as super boogeyman. Maybe he was just a normal boogeyman. Or maybe even, a little like The Incredible Flying Spaghetti Monster.

But if Osama didn't, who did? Interesting, but not central to the rest of the fable.

On July 4, 2001, just about two months before the 911 attacks, according to French Intelligence, and reported in the newspaper Le Figaro, bin Laden arrived at the American hospital in Dubai for ten days of treatment. In the urology department. And while there, he met with the CIA station chief and another CIA agent.

According to the FBI's wanted poster, at the time those CIA agents were visiting with him, "Bin Laden [was] wanted in connection with the August 7, 1998, bombings of the United States Embassies in Dar es Salaam, Tanzania, and Nairobi, Kenya."

Yet those CIA dudes were visiting with him.

Damn it Toto, NOT YET!

Ah, pay no attention to the funny little man behind the curtain.

But of even more interest is that he was in the urology department, apparently for dialysis. And, as of 2002, according to former U.S. Under Secretary of State and MD. Steve R. Pieczenik, he was in pretty bad shape—

I found out through my sources that he had had kidney disease. And as a physician, I knew that he had to have two dialysis machines and he was dying. —Interview of Steve R. Pieczenik, April 24, 2002

Here's the prognosis for kidney disease:

The prognosis of patients with chronic kidney disease is guarded as epidemiological data has shown that all cause mortality (the overall death rate) increases as kidney function decreases. The leading cause of death in patients with chronic kidney disease is cardiovascular disease... -- Chronic kidney disease - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

So, according to mega-credentialled MD. Pieczenik, the boogeyman was on his way out. And that was in 2001, even before the 911 attacks.

And even more interesting yet, Mr. bin Laden was also a victim of Marfan Syndrome. Described this way by the Cleveland Clinic which specializes in treating it:

Marfan Syndrome is a condition that affects the connective tissue of the body and causes damage to the heart, aorta, and other parts of the body. This complex condition requires a specialized and experienced approach to care.... —Marfan Syndrome: Symptoms and Treatment Options from Cleveland Clinic

One of my team-mates was a victim of Marfan Syndrome. Her aorta "blew out" as she put it. She was in Caesar's Palace in Vegas and their crack medical team got her to the hospital in record time. Seven quarts of blood and a target="new"stent in her aorta later, she was barely alive. The doctors told her she was VERY lucky to have gotten immediate attention—but that she could have another life-threatening blowout at any moment. Including in her carotid arteries and even in her brain.

So, as of July 2001, Osama bin Laden, or "OBL" as the establishment likes to acronym-ize him, has two chronic and extremely serious life-threatening conditions, both of which synergistically threaten his heart, circulatory system, kidneys—and a few other organs.

Ok, now pretend you need dialysis—two machines. And your major arteries may blowout at any moment. And in addition, according to your doctors in 2001, you "require a specialized and experienced approach to care" for your Marfans. Now let's go cave exploring in Afghanistan for ten years.

Now of course, maybe OBL was just very adventursome. And lucky! And he survived without regular dialysis or special Marfan care. For 10 years.

Or maybe the Cleveland Clinic had special cave/home visits in Afghanistan and Abbottabad. And they always arrived with two dialysis machines—since none were found in the Abbottabad hovel. Ah, manison. And everytime OBL had a Marfan blowout, he just happened to be next door to a hospital. Or gambling at Caesar's. What are the odds?

On the other hand, maybe the reports that OBL died long ago, were true. And, that whoever Seal Team 6 got—if anyone—it wasn't him.

Also, as someone pointed out, people have been known to use body doubles. Saddam, for example.

But what about the DNA claim? And so far, it is just a claim.

There would have been no problem getting a sample for comparison. Remember, OBL had been on dialysis machines. But, as Congressman, M.D., and Presidential Candidate Ron Paul pointed out, DNA test results aren't instant breakfast. According to a down and dirty Google search, it takes from ten days to a month to get test results—not the 10 or so hours in the official time-line. It's also now possible to fake DNA evidence. And, of course, the American hospital in Dubai, etc. could have provided an extra dialysis sample back in 2001 for psy-ops purposes.

It was at about this point in the narrative that it occured to me OBL may just as likely be TIFSM (the acronym for The Incredible Flying Spaghetti Monster).

Ah, sorry. Sometimes I just can't help myself. I get caught up in the underlying essence of the tale.

Now I know all this is hard to believe, the story of his current death coming as it did from rock-solid and impeccable sources. Barack Obama and the U.S. Government, that is.

Especially since it makes perfect sense to shoot your highest-value information-laden target in the head immediately, before he can talk, especially since he isn't armed and doesn't resist. And then bury the body at sea out of respect for his religious preferences. But you get that wrong. And you don't want to release photos because, well—ah—

DAMN it Toto!

OK. Where was I? Oh. Yes. As we all know, governments NEVER lie. But sometimes they do Hollywood it up a bit. Like with Jessica Lynch , for example. Apparently almost complete Hollywood. And NFL star and dead war victim Pat Tillman, killed by "friendly fire," not hero-making enemy fire as reported by the military P.R. machine—and echoed by our obedient patriotic U.S. free press and media. And the famous Saddam statue tear-down that was staged using tight camera shots of Ahmed Chalabi and other Iraqis, most of them imported from the U.S.A. Etc.

And according to The Guardian, Uncle Sam had a deal with the Pakistani government, in place for nearly a decade, to allow this exact type of operation. But, to protect the government against backlash from the ~82% of the Pakistani people who regard Osama bin Laden as a Holy Warrior, the deal was Uncle would pretend to have done it without permission.

I know those all sound a bit like conspiracies, but despite that, always remember, anything Uncle Sam does that involves more than one person—Operation Northwoods for example—isn't a conspiracy, it's a plan.

Of course, there are those 935 documented lies the Bush Administration used to trick us into "Operation Iraqi Freedom," A.K.A. the Iraq "War." Including those "mobile chemical weapons labs" and other non-existent "WMD." AND it's true, the United States hasn't been legally at war since the end of World War II, but, heck, boys will be boys.

There's a teachable moment in all this. Which you may have figured out.

And I can step out from behind my curtain.

Now, Toto, NOW!

As I.F. Stone observed—and highly respected historian Howard Zinn explained—"Governments lie. If they told the truth, they wouldn't last too long." And the U.S. Government has an essential ally in their lying in the obedient U.S. "free" press and media.

If the highest-value target in history was shot dead without interrogation and the body deep-sixed, no pictures (they released pictures of Saddam's grusomely dead sons), why? And why wasn't the "free" press and media persistently asking all the obvious questions?

According to New York Times Pentagon Correspondent Elisabeth Bumiller (Chris Matthews show, Sunday May 8), the military calculated there was a 60% to 80% probability TIFSM would be in the Abbottabad abode when Seal Team 6 attacked. If those figures were right, that means there was a 20% to 40% chance TIFSM wasn't there.

Maybe he wasn't.

According to former Under Sec. of State Pieczenik and completely consistent with The Power of Nightmares etc., they had kept TIFSM on ice since 2002—at least his legend—awaiting the proper moment to "kill" him off for maximum psy-ops effect. Maybe that's why he wasn't there. But if so, why now?

One rumor is because Mr. Obama just came out of the second-term closet. But, as per Reagan vs. Carter and the Iran hostages, it would make more sense to wait till just before the election when the event wouldn't be buried so deeply in the memory hole.

Personally, I like the rumor that Wiki is about to leak proof that TIFSM has been dead for a long time and thus ruin TIFSM's shelf-life.

So, while I'm almost positive TIFSM is dead, we can't be sure where, when, why, or how. For those who need it, still no closure.

There is one other thing that may be teachable—or VERY troubling. The whole story was handled so badly. Was it because:

1. The government apparatus is even more defective than we thought, even the propaganda arm,

2. They were calibrating their psy-ops strategy to see just how much they could cut the PR budget and get away with it or,

3. They have such complete disdain for "we the people" they no longer feel constrained to make their stories believable.

You and I—and perhaps even Barack Obama—can't know the final fate of The Incredible Flying Spaghetti Monster. But since Uncle and his relatives cost us at least 43% of our income, don't you think we deserve a better script?


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