THE LIBERTARIAN ENTERPRISE
Number 578, July 11, 2010
"It's all about oil"
The Palin Years, A History in Newsprint
Special to The Libertarian Enterprise
Washington DC 2008 (NBC News) Tonight, in a surprise victory, the ticket of John McCain and Sarah Palin has won a landslide victory. Garnering nearly 72% of the popular vote, and sweeping 37 states electorally. In his acceptance speech, President-elect McCain said...."I knew Obamba, Osambo, You know who I mean, that black guy ran a good campaign. But his godless atheists didn't manage to pull the wool over the eyes of the American people, who decided a pair of Mavericks were a better choice for president than Obimba, Osama, you know who I mean.... that black guy who ran against me." Meanwhile, Sarah Palin dropped to her knees and exhorted the entire convention room to join her in prayer to: Jeeesus Christ, who told me to do this!" They announced that they would both take a few days off to consider anything they wanted Mr. Bush to do to help them prepare the way for their assumption of power, and to begin the process of fixing the current recession that is rearing it's head.
Candidate Obama, in his concession speech, said... "Oh boy, the American people just showed themselves to be very stupid. This is going to hurt!" VP nominee, Joe Biden, said.... "This is gonna be a big @#$%^!# deal in a few years, you wise asses!"
Washington DC (Reuters) At the inauguration ceremony of President John McCain and Vice President Sarah Palin, tonight. The audience was surprised to see the pastor (supplied by Mrs Palin) begin speaking in tongues, frothing at the mouth, then break out three large rattlesnakes and begin dancing with them. Mrs Palin said, in her charming twang, "Oh, don't worry about Bubba, he does this every Sunday at the Wasilla Church of the Holy Jeesus! By the way, did you know that we can see Russia from my house??"
January 29, 2009 Washington DC (New York Times) As the first official act of his presidency, John McCain announced the declaration of "100 years of war" with Iraq, Iran, and as a concession to VP Palin, the country of Atheia. He also announced the seizing of ALL oil wells currently held by "Atheistic ragheads. Since God is the only God, Muslims MUST be declared atheists. And God doesn't want atheists to own oil wells." We here at the Times doubt that America will stand for this expansion of Bush's "war for oil", and look forward to the Congress denying McCain authority to declare it.
February 14, 2009, Washington DC (Fox News) Today, the radiant and majestic Sarah Palin announced to the world the sad news that John McCain had suffered a bowel obstruction that was causing her to assume the role of President Pro Tem, until he was cleared by doctors at the Wasilla Church of the Holy Jeesus and Pastor Bubba to return to office. We join with the whole world to pray for an eventual recovery of President Whatsisname. In the meantime, PPT Palin has signed executive order #1, which orders a national day of prayer for the souls of all the little babies murdered by the now outlawed abortion doctors. She also attended the execution of the first batch of 200 Planned Parenthood Baby Murdering Doctors and Nurses, and personally shot the first 3 with her AK-47 (the same one she carried in the now famous 4th of July Bikini photo.) EO #2 banned the wearing of bikinis as immodest, and also made it a federal crime to wear "God's own personal flag" (the American flag) on clothing except as a tasteful, approved patriotic pin. On an unrelated topic, unemployment reached 14% today. GM announced the final closing of 2 plants, and also said it may face bankruptcy in the near future.
July 4th, 2009, Wasilla, Alaska (Live, from CNN news reporter Keith Olberman) "Hello, and greetings from Wasilla, and the Northern White House. Today, amid speculation as to the actual content of her 4th of July speech. PPT Palin surprised ALL of the mainstream media by announcing a new series of "morality laws" aimed at curbing the growing criticism of Mrs Palin's increasingly right-wing political agenda. We are preparing a full report on the speech, and we have political science professors standing by to discuss the ramificatio..... HEY!! What the hell are you doing? We seem to be being invaded by black-uniformed Homeland Security personnel. What are you trying to do? (THUD, CRACK, Smashing equipment) (beeping sounds, then "We are sorry for the interruption, we are experiencing technical difficulties, please standby.....)
Baby Jesus Day, 2009, Washington, DC. (CNN, a Rupert Murdoch Company) Today, PPT Palin announced the new name for December 25th, naming the day Baby Jesus Day. Starting today, Christmas won't be used, because "It is so danged hard to remember to put that danged "T" in the middle!" PPT Palin also dispensed with the old "Hail to the Chief" presidential anthem, switching to a recording of Bert Parks Singing "Here She Comes, Miss America!" In addition, podiums have been done away with, and replaced with a 50 ft. runway. Tiaras have been added to the normal Presidential wardrobe she has been wearing.
Jan,1, 2010, Washington DC (AP) In her New Year's Address, President Pro Tem Palin today announced some changes here in Washington's halls. She has announced the dissolving of both the Dept. Of The Interior AND the EPA by symbolically shredding a copy of the Endangered Species list. AS she put it, "If God wants us to eat these animals, we can eat them all. He won't let any die off unless he WANTS them gone!!" She also announce the sale of Dinosaur hunting licenses since "If there are bones from them, they MUST be there. So go out and kill one so I can taste them." Wearing a gorgeous cape, made from alternating Bengal and Siberian tiger pelts, and lined with Timber Wolf pelts, she also announced the "Wolf Eradication Bill." which requires all wolves in the Continental US and Alaska to be hunted down and killed. The Bill authorizes the CIA to use Black Ops Helicopters and Vulcan Mini-guns to accomplish the task. Any Civilian who wants to help can get a license for the asking. Needless to say, the Sierra Club, the World Wildlife Fund, and environmental groups around the world are decrying this latest travesty of PPT Palin's, and are mourning the "Good Old Days" of Former President George W. Bush.
March 15, 2010, WASHINGTON (AP[ a FOX news company]) President Pro Tem Sarah Palin christened the latest Limbaugh Class battleship, the USS Charles Nelson Reilly, today by breaking a bottle of Valvoline SAE 30 motor oil against the prow the great juggernaut, while giddily remarking how the rainbow sheen reflecting in the sunlight reminded her of her home state.
In prepared remarks, PPT Palin (who, as we all remember, is acting with full Presidential authority since President John McCain's chronic bowel obstruction rendered him mentally impotent) delighted the crowd with her recollection of the history of Admiral Nelson Reilly and his defeat of the Spanish Armada during the battle of Lady Gulf, thus conquering the Philippines, wicked allies of the Turks in World War 1.
The new battleship, sporting the "Tundra" neoclassic "back to the basics, anti-elite" weapons systems designed by the "First Second Dude", will soon undergo sea trials to determine the maximum range and effectiveness of its 52 (one for each state) cast iron round shot "Grizzly" cannons, forged at the newly opened General Dynamics Redwood Armaments facility, fueled entirely by formerly nationalized old growth Giant Sequoia, recently liberated for their divinely intended use in private industry.
Palin also noted that "the belch of American Exceptionalism released in every broadside from this weapon of God shall soon cover the Earth, right up to its very edges, and shall guarantee American military superpoweredness for a period that matches the very life span of our planet, 6000 years."
March 23, 2010, Washington DC (The New York Time, A FOX news Company) Today, PPT Palin announced the deportation of ALL registered Democrats, liberals, and 4 members of the Supreme court to China, where "Their Atheistic Socialist leanings will be appreciated and fit in better with those.... "Chinese People!" God is very happy with us for doing this, because this returns our country to the way he intended it to be before we let those Atheists come here from Atheia. I would have sent them back to Atheia, but Todd can't find it on our Rand/McNally road map." Executive Order #1 (providing for the deportations) was unanimously ruled "Okay by Us" by the remaining 5 Supreme Court Justices.
EO#2 made all numbers over 5 to just be known as "Many" due to the difficulty of switching hands for going to the number formerly known as "6," which is now one of "many."
June Manyith, 2010, New York City (CNN, a Rupert Murdoch Company) Today, Lou Dobbs, a prominent member of the Moderate Middle, revealed that he could now come "Out of the closet" and admit he's "Always been a right-wing christian fundamentalist". The reason he has kept this hidden was the threat of "Death Panels" run by those Godless atheists, Who "would have killed me then fired me" if he admitted the truth earlier.
July 3rd, 2010, Louisiana (LA Times, a FOX news Affiliate) Today, PPT Palin announced that "A little bit of oil was leaking from a little pipe in the water" off the Louisiana shore. She said the oil company, BP, has assured her that there wouldn't be any problems from this. On an entirely unrelated note, beachgoers from Texas to Florida have recently found many balls of a sticky, tar like natural secretion on the sand of their favorite beaches. PPT Palin today signed EO # 5, requiring the hunting and killing of all dolphins and porpoises for the crime of "Pooping those nasty sticky balls all over those pretty beaches!"
July Manyith, 2010, The Rose Garden, The White House (EIB Network press release) Today, The Radiant and Gorgeous PPT Sarah Palin announced that MahaRushie (Rush Limbaugh, to both of you who have failed to obey EO # 2, and listen to the EIB 3 hours a day, 5 days a week, or face deportation to China) has agreed to accept the position of Official Vice President and Chief Advisor Pro Tem (Until the Maverick John McCain is given a clean bill of health from the doctors at the Wasilla Church of the Holy Jeesus and Pastor Bubba and permitted to return to the Oval Orifice). The Jovial fat man thanked PPT Palin and promised that all his ditto-heads would continue to keep her in their prayers. He then asked her "if she realized that Libertarians were ALSO often Atheists?" to which she replied "What's a Libertarian? I'll have to find out, and get back to you."
September 11, 2010, San Francisco, Ca (CBS News, A FOX news Company) Today, FEMA Agents moved in to move the first group of Californians into re-location camps to respond to the "Ecological Disaster" that is the state of California. PPT Palin announced that "Since California is the leading source of Atheistic Liberals since the escape of Atheia from the maps, we must protect America from this disease by putting California under FEMA control and moving all Californians who HADN'T yet been deported from the source of infection." In a side note, twelve senators and 37 Congressmen were deported to China for demanding that PPT PAlin stop numbering her Executive Orders one through five then starting over. They claimed it was hard to figure out WHICH EO #2 they had violated!!
October Manyith, 2010, Washington DC (Huffington Post, a Rupert Murdoch Enterprise) Today has been declared "2nd Dude Day" to celebrate PPT Palin's declaration that Todd Palin was now ALSO her Vice President Pro Tem and Chieferest Advisor. In other DC news, Federal "BIrth Centers" were announced as "ready to be occupied, and no longer must women have to worry about the prenatal health of their babies." Upon diagnosis of pregnancy, they will automatically be transported to the local FBC for total care AND proper Christian Woman training. All children born to illegal immigrants are to be thrown in the ocean closest to their country of origin and told to "Swim for it!" When asked if they could be simply adopted into rich white families..... PPT Palin ended the press conference. The Reporter (Chris Matthews) has been unavailable for comment since.
November 1st, 2010, NYC (Entertainment Tonight, a FOX News Company) Today, the Congress unanimously agreed with PPT Palin that PPT was "TO Danged Hard To Spell, You Betcha" and awarded her the new title of "Grand Supreme" or "GS" for short. After channeling Bert Parks, a psychic convinced GS Palin to begin an educational program to train young girls on how to "forgo education and career goals. And that they should have an incentive to look to her as their sole role model." Also, Spray tanning will now be a compulsory class in all grade levels. This history of spray tanning will now be included in all history texts. Texas will lead the way. On a side note, Election Day has been delayed, because the "International Tensions" caused by GS Palin's demand the Russians "Turn over the location of Atheia, because we KNOW you guys hid it. Remember, I watched you from my bedroom window for years, I know how you are!!"
December Manyith, 2010 Washington, DC (MSNBC, A Rupert Murdoch Company) Today, in preparation for "Baby Jeesus Day", GS Palin ordered the deportation of all Libertarians, because it has been determined that they are all a bunch of "Atheist weirdos, You Betcha!" The current head of the Libertarian Party, L. Neil Smith, informed GS Palin that she was "Going to regret this attempt to initiate force!" Apparently, initiating force against another is bad to Libertarians!
Mr Smith called for armed resistance to the deportation attempt.
January 11, 2011, Washington, DC (The Libertarian Enterprise) Today, temporary President L. Neil Smith announced that free elections would be held on February 15th, to fill most of the positions left in Washington DC. He also said that Former "Grand Supreme" Sarah Palin and Former Maverick John McCain are enjoying a well-earned vacation at the South Pole, where..... "I can see North from ALL my windows" was all Palin had to say. China offered to repatriate those deported, and Mr Smith refused to accept them, stating that.... "Whatever poor fool is elected to fill my shoes can make that decision. But if they wanted, I'll be happy to send them all the Republicans to balance them out." China refused! Already, the markets are showing signs of the beginning of a recovery! From 50 years of mismanagement by government interference. Hopefully, these storm clouds can finally break.