THE LIBERTARIAN ENTERPRISE
Number 562, March 21, 2010
"I'd had better hopes for America."
Special to The Libertarian Enterprise
Do not believe it is impossible to marry someone of the same sex in the United States. This is simply a lie. It is possible, and has always been so. One may marry anything: dogs, cats, clouds, toasters, and plush toys, to name a few.
At present, however, our government refuses to recognize such unions, and so if you decide to marry your toaster, all the legal paperwork must be done up front. Your toaster should be explicitly authorized to visit you in the hospital. It needs to be mentioned in your will as the recipient of your earthly possessions. Of course, a toaster cannot fend for itself, and is entirely within your care, so if you are to keep your spouse in good hands after you have passed away, you should be certain to provide for its continued maintenance and housing. This will be considerably cheaper than the room, board, and staff needed to keep a pet after one's death, as some wealthy eccentrics do.
There are plenty of advantages to spending your days with a toaster. It will never cheat on you or leave for someone else. Most are small enough to take anywhere, assuming you are willing to receive some strange looks. Polygamy can run rampant and no jealousy will result. A toaster does not need to be of marriageable age. It will never blow the joint bank account on a night of strippers, booze, and poker. One's spouse might burn down the house if left unattended for too long with a pair of pop tarts, but clearly the love of your life would not be at fault in this case. Still, if you felt your toaster to be a problem, you could beat it to bits, and throw it in the trash without any legal repercussions.
A new spouse would be easy to acquire. One could, in fact, purchase several toasters of identical make and model so there would always be copies of your original spouse in the basement. Even better, your beloved toaster would always look good naked, though the occasional cleaning, buffing, or repainting might be needed.
This brings up a clothing-related question for me. How does one dress a toaster for the nuptial ceremony? Naked might not be appropriate, but would a few nice ribbons suffice? A tailored suit? A white veil and dress with train? Of course, traditionally your toaster would need to be a virgin in order to wear a white dress.
The ceremony would also present a few problems. For instance, would your toaster be walked down the aisle by someone special? It would not have a proper parent, though you might be able to get the person who engineered your fiance to carry it to the front. Would you have a sympathetic priest marry you? Can a toaster say "I do."? How would the first dance at the reception go? What kind of choreography is necessary to do the tango with a toaster? Would the best man give a "speech" or a "toast"? Can one consummate marriage with a toaster?
A toaster would be happy to indulge one in just about any desire, but what those desires might be are difficult for me to fathom. Still, if one does consummate a marriage to one's toaster, never, ever, serve guests heated bread products from it.
Still, when your friends do come over, there are definitely some bragging points to be had: "My wife does all the cooking, but never complains. Even better, she never eats. She is quite frugal that way." Assigning a gender to your toaster might help friends and family adjust.
"I win every argument we have. Frankly, he is not that bright, but I do love him so."
"We never need to worry about birth control."
Of course, your friends might have children, and unless you adopt or elect for artificial insemination, you will have toast. "Our breadlings are so easy to take care of. No college expenses, no toys to pick up after, no problems with drugs or alcohol. But they do grow up so quickly. Little Timmy just got his first spot of mold yesterday."
When all of the children are gone and you have grown to old age, your beloved toaster will accompany you to the bitter end. There is no need to worry about who goes first. In your last moments, the toaster can even assist you with a cartoon-like suicide in the bathtub. Of course, suicide by toaster may instead be construed as murder by toaster, especially if you have human children or other potential beneficiaries of your estate, who may feel that your marriage to a toaster was inappropriate, and that they are more worthy to receive money and possessions meant for your inanimate spouse.
Honestly, I don't understand why our government fails to encourage more people to marry their possessions. All the big ceremonies would stimulate the economy, and I doubt that any religious zealots would continue to worry about gay marriage if a man down the street were being wed to his Kitchen-Aid stand mixer.