Big Head Press

L. Neil Smith's
Number 551, January 3, 2010

"Perpetual tea parties for perpetual peace—and freedom."

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Five Minutes after the Rapture
by Bob Wallace

Attribute to The Libertarian Enterprise

Ralph: Dum de dum dum, dum de dum dum.

Sam: Hey Ralph, look at all this stuff lying all over the sidewalk.

Ralph: Weird... clothes, shoes, socks, keys, wallets... some guy's dental fillings... a glass eye... an artificial foot... somebody's heart transplant flopping around in the street... a busted-open suitcase full of martial aids... what is going on here?

Sam: Maybe it's the Rapture. I heard about it from some guys used to go to tent revival meetings, fall over backwards and start twitching and babbling. One even told me his cowboy boots flew off.

Ralph: Yeah, speaking in tongues and "getting saved." Hillbilly kitsch.

Sam: Look, a brand-new Lamborghini!

Ralph: What's this in the front seat... a $2000 custom-made suit, a toupee with a three-inch pompadour... wallet full of credit cards... we hit the jackpot! It is the Rapture, and now we get all this stuff!

Sam: What ID is in the wallet?

Ralph: Reverend Billy Joe Bob Hargis. Look what else is here... a gross of cute little multi-colored condoms, a notebook with dozens of call girls' telephone numbers, some amyl nitrate, a copy of "Gay Boy Toys" magazine with the pages stuck together....

Sam: I remember reading about this guy's house in the newspaper. Cost $20 million, a pool, helicopter, all the trimmings.

Ralph: Damn! And now it's ours! Hot diggity dog!

Sam: I heard he's got a safe in his house with millions of dollars in contributions he never reported to the government.

Ralph: The sheeple sure are suckers.

Sam: Buncha brain-dead zombies who believe in Jesus-the-Terminator, who's going to bring slaughter and destruction to the world because they think that's how he's going to save it. That's Christian?

Ralph: I always remember Jesus putting down the corrupt and the hypocritical and the greedy and the perverted. Ah, forget them nuts, they're all gone now. Think of all the porn and guns and booze I've heard this riff-raff has in his mansion! Not to mention his collection of women's underwear!

Sam: You know those Evangelical preachers. Either they've got videos of themselves with two 12-year-old blonde girls, or else it's meth and man ass.

Ralph: This is great! God really did take those crap-for-brains fundies, the ones trying to return us to the 13th Century. Thank you, God, even if you never did get me the pony and flame thrower I wanted for Christmas!

Sam: Fanatics of whatever religion, they've done nothing but impede progress. All think they're right and anyone who disagrees with them is evil. Especially when they get political power, that's a sure-fire recipe for disaster. And that's with a capital D.

Ralph: Yep. Religion, politics and war—the three legs of Satan that he uses to walk to and fro and up and down in the world.

Sam: Dibs on the driver's seat! Vroom!

Reverend Billy Joe Bob Hargis: You call this the Rapture?

Satan: For those left behind it is. You want an ice-cube?


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