Bill of Rights Press

L. Neil Smith's
Number 445, November 25, 2007

"The sound you just heard is the sound of the coffin
closing on the 'brand name' known as the Libertarian Party."

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The Time Traveler
by Bob Wallace

Special to The Libertarian Enterprise

CHARACTERS: The Time Traveler, The Time Machine, a Nine-Year-Old Git

Time Machine: POOF!

Git: Hey! What the Hell are you doing in my room! I'm going to tell my dad!

Time Traveler: Is your name George?

Git: Yeah, it is. So what? I'm going to tell my dad you're in my room and he'll have you killed. Then I'll laugh at you when you die because you'll say 'Please don't kill me! Please don't kill me!' Ha ha! I am so funny!

Traveler: Don't you want to know why I'm here!

Git: No. I'm very incurious, you know.

Traveler: I'm from the year 2007, when you're grown-up and President of the United States.

Git: Hell, I already know I'm going to be President, you retard.

Traveler: You really are an obnoxious little git.

Git: What's a git?

Traveler: It's what you are. Your dad's one, too. And your grandpa.

Git: Oh, a git! I know what you mean!

Traveler: Do you know what you're going to do when you're President?

Git: Oh, I dunno. Start wars, probably. I like wars. See my little green army men, on the floor? Thousands of them, and I cut off lots of their arms and legs and took chunks out of their heads with my scissors. It's fun! Want to try it?

Traveler: No, thanks.

Git: Wuss.

Traveler: Nazi.

Git: What's that?

Traveler: It's what your grandpa was.

Git: Oh, yeah, I know what you mean! That's how we got all our money, from Grandpa dealing with the Nazis. He got in trouble, but he got out of it because we're better than everyone else, like we're better than all that cannon fodder in Flyover Land.

Traveler: What's with the cowboy hat?

Git: I'm pretending to be a cowboy instead of a Connecticut Yankee. Got to fool all the rubes. They're stupid, you know.

Traveler: Unfortunately, some of them are.

Git: You bet! And I'm going to rule them someday and get rid of the Constitution, which is just a goddamned piece of paper I don't want thrown in my face!

Traveler: Say, George, do you like booze!

Git: You bet I do! I like to drink because I can't measure up to my dad! That's why I'll start wars someday, to impress him because I'm such a loser!

Traveler: There's a bottle of whiskey on the ledge behind you.

Git: (whirling around): Really? Where?

Traveler: Right here!

Git: Hey, you just kicked me out the window! We're on the 20th floor! Daddddyyyyy!

Traveler: Goodbye, you little jerk. I just made it a better world.

The Time Machine: POOF!


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