L. Neil Smith's
Number 218, April 7, 2003


Operation American Freedom
by Jim Duensing

Special to TLE

April 1st, 2003

In a stunning break from precedent, the White House issued the following letter to the American people today.

My Fellow Americans,

It has been brought to my attention, by those much smarter than I, that my use of the word freedom is sometimes inappropriate. By inappropriate, I do not mean that the use of the word did not make political sense. It was inappropriate in the way former occupants of the Oval Office had inappropriate relations.

I've been working on building my vocabulary. My handlers advisors said it would help me seem more convincing. I have learned, for instance, that nucular is not a word at all. From here on out, I will use nuclear to describe weapons I can't prove my daddy's enemy has.

It has come as a great shock to me that I have repeatedly misused the word freedom. Apparently, it does not mean the government can snoop and spy and attack anyone at will. I apologize for my confusion, but would like to remind the American people and that part of the world, which has yet to burn me in effigy, that I was just continuing the policy established by previous holders of this office.

At any rate, freedom actually means complete autonomy over one's person and actions. Any attempt by any external force to constrain, imprison, or murder an individual in their pursuit of happiness constitutes an attack on freedom, even if that external force is hunting evil doers or just damn proud of Texas.

Since I have declared the War on Terror to be a war in defense of our freedoms, I hereby decree that any act by any governmental agent to constrain the liberty of any peaceful American shall be considered an act of terror. The War on Terror now has two enemies, those foreigners who hate our freedom and those Americans who hate our freedom.

Accordingly, I have undertaken to eliminate all governmental programs which indiscriminately infringe upon the American people's right to be free from unreasonable searches. Therefore, I have defunded the Information Awareness Office, a now former military program which was to track every American's movements, purchases, reading habits, and religious beliefs, among other things.

I have disbanded the Central Intelligence Agency. They aren't that smart, heck my daddy was the best they had for a while. And, they've done more than anyone to fund and create people like Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein, due to short sighted greed and megalomaniacal nation building and regime changes. Plus, they had recently partnered with the F.B.I. and other agencies to openly spy on the American people.

I have undertaken to eliminate all governmental programs which confiscate the product of one's labor. If it is slavery to own all of another's person and his labor; it is, at best, wrong to claim a smaller portion of another's person or labor. Therefore, the Internal Revenue Service has been disbanded. My advisors estimate it will take approximately three years and lots of Texas sized pig roasts to burn all the records they have accumulated on the American people — not to mention all the red tape they have created. .

For similar reasons, I am also abolishing the DEA, ATF, EPA, and OSHA. A blue ribbon committee will be formed to look into all other federal agencies. I expect there to be a lot more cuts. We shall not falter in this battle for homeland freedom. We will win this War.

There has been a debate between the hawks and the doves in my administration. The hawks want to publicly hang all those governmental agents who have attacked the freedom of the American people in the past. However, I think it would be prudent at this juncture to look back at another time when another peace agreement was signed between the American people. Therefore, we shall continue with malice toward none. Concurrent, with today's decree, I have signed The Forgiveness Proclamation, pardoning all individuals who in the past have, under the color of law, subverted the freedom of any American. But, if any agent shall after this date continue to support or harbor any anti-freedom actions or sentiments, he shall meet the same fate as any other terrorist.

You are either with us or against us.

You have heard me say ad nauseum, that the terrorists hate our freedom. Let's give them something to hate.

I am dubbing this Operation American Freedom.

Don't Mess With Texas and God Bless America.

[signed] George W. Bush


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