L. Neil Smith's
THE LIBERTARIAN ENTERPRISE
Number 184, July 29, 2002
Special to TLE
Stand at attention when I'm writin' at you, you subversive twinks! In what may prove to be a futile attempt at savin' my own skin I've joined up with Der Fuerher's, er, uh, President Bush's, Terrorism Information and Prevention System. Are you eyeballin' me boy? Drop an' give me 50! Now then, to help all you sissified-limp-Richard-safety- at-any-price sheeple become good little federal snitches, er, uh, patriotic terrorism fighters, I've outlined my daily regime. Those who don't get with the program will be severely arrested. Get at it you lemmings - and remember - Adolph, er, uh, George, has got his eye on you!
0500: Awoke at attention and got out of bed in a military manner. Saluted properly lit American bedroom flag and repeated Pledge of Allegiance omitting any reference to the God of all creation. Observed wife sleeping on right side and made mental note to put her in for silver star medal for patriotic slumber. Gave her 2 demerits for drooling and reduced medal recommendation to bronze star.
0515: Route stepped downstairs and made coffee. While drinking coffee, observed "Product of Colombia" stamped on can. Wrote note to self to have me put under surveillance for possible drug connected activity. Gave self 10 demerits and did 20 push-ups as penance. Cooked and ate bacon and eggs for breakfast. Noted bacon was not kosher and wrote note to have wife put under wire tap for possible negative thoughts regarding Hebrews. Gave wife 5 demerits.
0600: Stood at attention on back porch and observed sun rising. Alerted John Ashcroft to possible sneak attack by Japanese. Attorney General vowed to raise national status to condition yellow, promoted me to Sgt. in the Stasi, er, uh, TIPS and told me to put myself in for 10 brownie points and a commendation.
0700: Stood at ease on front porch and wrote detailed notes regarding names and addresses of all neighbors not flying American flags from poles in front yards. Phoned gestapo, er, uh, police and waited for same. Assisted in rounding up subversive neighbors. Noted one officer with unbuttoned pocket and unshined jackboots. Reported violations to senior officer and witnessed summary execution of said miscreant. Spent balance of morning burning down neighbors houses in order to create better fields of fire. Awarded 15 brownie points and Stasi, er, uh police Medal of Busybody with Oak Leaf Cluster.
12:00: Ate tuna-fish sandwich and potato chips while watching television. Drank unsweetened tea to ensure compliance with federally mandated weight standards for TIPSters. Observed chefs on cooking shows carrying knives. Alerted FBI to televised terrorist threat and watched as Emeril was cuffed and sent to the yard in Cuba. Applauded broadcast ban of the Food network. Received commendation and 10 more brownie points from FBI director along with a promotion to Captain.
1300: Entered American-made pick-up truck, saluted George Bush face decal and drove to farmers market. Overheard Amish farmer speaking to his son regarding his adherance to pacifisim. Made citizen's arrest on grounds of child abuse, executed farmer for the good of his child, radioed Stasi, er, uh, police and awaited transport for child to reeducation camp, er, uh, state mandated home. Promoted to General and awarded Congressional Medal of Okra.
1400: Observed six men wearing Yasser Arafat doo-rags loitering by a van in front of a church next to farmer's market. One approached me and asked if I knew anything about the proper fusing procedure for a van full of ammonia nitrate and gasoline. This raised some suspicion on my part, however, taking note of federally mandated laws banning racial profiling, I set aside my concerns and assisted these pilgrims in their task. They rewarded me with a coupon good for one medal of freedom and advised me to leave the area immediately.
1500: Drove home past church with numerous crosses placed in front representing the thousands murdered by abortion in American each year. Stopped, pulled up crosses, burned down church and hung preacher. Mayor arrived and presented me with Janet Reno Freedom Of Choice For The Children Award and keys to the city.
1600: Stopped at book store on the way home and observed subversives buying books advocating freedom of speech, freedom of religion, freedom of thought, freedom of taxation without representation, freedom from federal regulation and freedom from government in general. Blocked exits, called SWAT and observed as citizens were hauled off for torture, er, uh, interrogation and brainwashing, er, uh, reeducation. Tom Ridge called and awarded me the Bronze Star For Iliteracy. SWAT insisted I light the flamethrower which razed the bookstore.
1700: Arrived home to find wife and daughter preparing Swiss steak for dinner and overhear sons discussing presidential violations of Constitutional rights. Dove into bathroom and hid behind toilet while radioing John Ashcroft for air support and ground troops. Flushed wife and kid's locations in Morse code to ground troops and awaited rescue. Donned bathroom gasmask and assisted troops in rounding up and subduing my family. Waved bye-bye to the family. Received a call from Der Furher, er, uh, President Bush, and was informed I was needed in Washington for his personal presentation of the following awards:
2000: Watched a rerun of "Big Jim McClain" on federally licensed network television and took copious notes on how Duke Wayne sniffed out every commie in Hawaii, won the girl and collected a fat check while making a shameless 1950s propaganda movie that pretty much outlines what George Bush wants you and me to be doing to each other today.
2200: Saluted the Flag while singing "God Bless America", and The Police's version of "I'll Be Watching You". Prayed without referring to God whose name is federally verbotten. Slept at attention and dreamed of all the Americans who were safe and sound thanks to TIPS.
See you in the Gulag.
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