L. Neil Smith's
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ...
[...] "However, finally the 'War on Terrorism' is achieving its policy objectives. Osama bin Laden is looking haggard. We may not have caught him or brought him to justice but, at the cost of thousands of innocent Afghan lives, billions of dollars of US citizens' money and the civil liberties of the Free World, we have got him looking haggard.
"It's a sensational and ground-breaking moment that justifies all the news coverage it's been getting. If Osama bin Laden is looking haggard, that means he's scared - or tired or eaten something that disagrees with him - but at least it means he's not enjoying himself as he was in his previous video.
"This is a considerable triumph for the US forces, for the brave bomber pilots who release their bombs from such considerable and dangerous heights above the ground, and for Tony Blair, who has so fearlessly led his entire nation into the position of being terrorist targets for no good reason that any of us can think of.
"So keep up the good work, President Bush and Prime Minister Blair, let's see if we can continue in this vein and perhaps - at the cost of only another few billion dollars, a lot more innocent lives, many more civil rights, and the stability of the Middle East, India and Pakistan, and perhaps a Third World War, we might even be able to make Osama bin Laden frown."
WAR IS UNHEALTHY FOR TORTOISES, MILK VETCHES, AND OTHER LIVING THINGS
"[A] move to expand the [643,000-acre desert battlefield at the Army's National Training Center] to make it even more realistic is being held up by two endangered species - the desert tortoise and a plant called the Lane Mountain milkvetch.
"Environmentalists and wildlife biologists fear that combat will put the species in jeopardy."