L. Neil Smith's
THE LIBERTARIAN ENTERPRISE
Number 105, January 15, 2001
Happy Jackson-Lee Day!
Nubbin Dump Has a Plan!
by Michael Bates
Special to TLE
I was over at the Last Ditch Attempt Saloon (Guns & Bait in the back) the other day, chewin' the fat with Biggun Stump and rentin' a couple of long neck Pearls, when who should wander in but none other than Nubbin Dump! Nobody around here had seen Nubbin since he moved off to Trots County after gettin' himself about half rich from inventin' round sheets of toilet paper with pictures of Billary on 'em! Me an' Biggun was some surprised an' right happy to see him an' we commenced to have ourselves a little reunion. Now Nubbin Dump, or 'Big Dog' as he's known around here, is what you call yer visionary. He's always been full of ideas an' philosophies an' after we all shook hands an' said our howdies, an' Big Dog had shook hands with a cocktail or two, we asked him what his latest plan was.
"Boys," says Big Dog, "I'm goin' to Washington. Now that BillyJeff Clinton has finally been deposed America needs some industrial strength cleanin' up an' I'm duty bound to help out. He's run riot for eight years an' as soon as they've fumigated the White House an' counted all the silverware an' patched up the claw marks Hillary left behind when they dragged her out, ol' George W. is goin' to need all the help he can get."
"What ya plannin' on doin'?" Biggun asks.
"I'm plannin' on un-doin'," says Big Dog. "Un-doin' the last eight years of socialist-communist-left-wing-politically-correct horse manure that's been dumped on America by the treasonous low life who called himself president and the brain-dead sheeple who supported him on everything from rape to genocide. These here are some of my Un-Clinton plans:"
1. In keeping with the spirit of the ex Tyrant-in-Chief, everything inside the Beltway in the District of Criminals will be declared a federal preserve. All roadways, waterways and airways will be closed so as to preserve the pristine nature of the area "for the people." Since "the people" will no longer be allowed to enter this preserve, all federal bureaucrats, elected officials and other threats to a free republic will be forced to go home and try selling out America from the bottom of whatever ditch they get hired to dig. The benefits of this proposal are legion. No more IRS, ATF, FBI, NEA, CIA, FEMA, OSHA or any other federal alphabet sinkhole into which Americans are forced to pour money, and out of which Americans receive slavery. No more federal politicians grinning big while they empty your wallets of money and your hearts of hope. Should a natural disaster occur -- such as Biggun Stump accidentally tossing a Molotov cocktail into a whole pile of unconstitutional Executive Orders resulting in a fire that levels the whole damn preserve -- we can all rejoice in the indisputable proof that there is a God, and that he is of a kind and loving nature.
2. Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, the directors of the NAACP, everybody who works at the Southern Poverty Law Center and any other I'm-A-Minority-So-You-Owe-Me-A-Living race baiters will be given REAL jobs. (I suggest manning the roadblocks into D.C. Since they're all so terrified of guns we can arm them with socks full of dung. The murderous inner-city thugs whose "civil rights" they want protected have no such reservations regarding firearms, however, so replacements may be necessary from time to time. Not a problem since the aforementioned organizations have managed to 'educate' a couple of generations of young people into permanently-dependent-crybaby status.)
3. California will be renamed Californicate. Due to the highly poisonous and degenerate brand of socialism and eco-lunacy that emanates from this area of the country, the whole mess will be walled off and declared a toxic waste dump. An inner wall will be built around Hollywood which will be redesignated New Debaucheryville. Current movers and shakers in the entertainment industry will be housed there in roofless shelters and tourists will be encouraged to fly over dropping them "care packages" filled with all the crap they've been smothered in by the denizens of Tinseltown over the course of the last eight years.
4. New York City will be walled off and renamed The Big Road Apple. Since Hillary won't be allowed into D.C., she will be crowned Queen Bitch For The Life Of The Village. After being seated on her porcelain throne, and having been presented with her Cattle Prod Scepter Of Power, she will be invited to rule over the village full of pea-brained wogs who elected her to the Senate. Her husband will be designated Official Court Guy You Wouldn't Let Your Daughter Near and given the job of scrubbing the village stables clean of all the crap he's spit out over the years. Charles Schumer will be invited to serve as a lawn jockey and Al Gore will be designated Village Coat Rack.
5. The Boy Scouts will be allowed to invite or un-invite anybody they damn well choose to join them. This goes for any other private organization that desires the right to free association.
6. Janet Reno will indeed "tour the country" after she slithers out of office. The country she'll tour will be Cuba. Going along for the ride to the "peoples paradise" will be Alec Baldwin, Barbra Streisand, Rosie O'Donnell, Cher and a host of other celebrity suckholes America will be better off shed of. Vaya con frijoles!
7. The Second Amendment will be upheld. All gun laws currently on the books (with the exception of those banning firearms to violent felons) will be suspended pending review for Constitutionality by a panel of Constitutional scholars and not by a bunch of black-robed feebs with communist agendas. The hysterical nitwits out there crying panic over law abiding citizens having weapons will be offered free gun safety courses as well as reality checks designed to tune them in to the fact that guns are necessary for a free people if they are to stay free from the totalitarians who would enslave them.
8. Calls from liberals for "bipartisan fairness" will be ignored for the crapspeak they are. Compromising with liberals is like handing a condom to a rapist. You may be trying to make the best of things, but you know damn well you're still in for a merciless screwing.
"I've got a few more ideas," said Nubbin. "If George shows any interest we may have ourselves a winner. If not, I guess it's just more of the same old crapspeak from a brand new Muckspout."
Y'all take care now, hear.