THE LIBERTARIAN ENTERPRISE
Number 96, October 30, 2000
Two Dates Worth Noting
Letter to Al
by Minority Mike
Special to TLE
Dear Rice-President Crapspeak
My ol’ woman Margaret an’ I were recently discussin’ the current pathetic crop of pretenders to the throne of Lyin-Sack-In-Chief an’ of course your name was at the top of the list. No small achievement considerin’ the number of muckspouts out there runnin’ for office. Next time you decide to tell one of your heartwarming personal antecdotes about a beleagured workin’ family feel free to let all the folks know—when it comes to lyin’ blowholes—you’re number one with our family!
Bein’ the charitable person she is, my Margaret suggested I try an’ write down some of the things you’ve managed to do for our family over the course of the last few years. Bein’ the middle-aged right-wing conspirator I am I did my best to make her happy.
After you got caught taking illegal campaign contributions from communist Chinamen, while at a Buddhist Temple full of monks who’d taken vows of poverty, you pretty much claimed you didn’t know where you were, what you were doing there or who you were doing it with, and you had to go to the bathroom and besides, the big boys made you do it. This certainly taught my children to pay attention to who they were with and what the hell they were doing! Thanks to witnessing your blatant act of treason, and the pants-down spanking you got for it, my kids have all sworn never to solicit or take so much as a dime from a communist of any stripe. Thanks for being a traitor for the children.
When the Totalitarian-In-Chief got caught dallying with a woman other than the First Swamp Thing, then lied about it to Congress and the rest of the world, you jumped right in and declared him “our nation’s greatest President.” This act of incredible hypocrisy helped teach my kids that conditional morality is a cesspool only those of your ilk will ever be comfortable swimming through. After all the smoke cleared they decided that having taken a solemn oath—regarding anything—the best course is to stick to what they promised in the first place. Many thanks.
At one time your purported stands on the Second Amendment, tobacco and abortion were ones with which we agreed. Your reversals on all of those positions showed us the detestable treachery of which you’re so capable should an opportunity for a few more votes present itself. >From your example my children have learned that abandonment of one’s principles in the face of opposition is the act of a coward. Thank you for giving them the desire to remain true to themselves and their beliefs, regardless of how popular or unpopular it may make them.
As you parade about the country, at taxpayer’s expense, promising free everything to any idiot who decides to declare himself a victim, we are grateful to you for revealing to us your plan for the hyphenation—hence the division and destruction—of all Americans. Your constant pandering to anyone with an axe to grind—at the expense of all those who do not fit neatly in to one of your “More Equal Americans” categories—reminds us to assess people on their actions, not on their color, religion, sexual persuasion or any other pop cause du jour. We owe you one.
Kudos for taking all that money from the feebs in Hollywood! Hollywood types love to see themselves giving money to you and they make sure everybody else sees it too. This is a good thing, since it allows us to see you capering around with famous racists like Spike Lee; bashing the Constitution with ignorant suckholes like Alec Baldwin and Rosie O’Donnell; and partying the night away with such brain-dead socialist sneakweenies as Steven Spielberg and Barbra Streisand as well as a depraved cast of other nitwits too numerous to mention. Hugs and kisses big guy!
In closing, I’d like to thank you for inventing the Internet. Without it the voices of those who would dissent from your world socialist agenda would go unheard. The state run propaganda networks you so dearly love are not inclined to report your lies and treasonous actions and the fourth estate went into ethical bankruptcy long ago. Thanks for presenting the opportunity for the “common people” to pick up the slack.
My Margaret was right about you having done a few things for us Al. When it comes to treason, hypocrisy, racism—and flat out lying through your teeth—you’re the best example of a bad example out there! We so look forward to your impending unemployment.
Y’all take care now hear.