THE LIBERTARIAN ENTERPRISE
Number 69, April 15, 2000
The Religious Left
by Tom Creasing
Special to TLE
Ha-lay-lu-yah, Brothers and Sisters and welcome once again to the First Church of Our Saviour the Government,(Unreformed). It's a mighty fine turnout we have here this morning, yes indeed, but that's only to be expected as so many citizens are turning to Government to help solve their problems these days. All kneel, and please remain that way -- as you know Government prefers you on your knees.
This morning's reading shall be from the Constitution of the United States, 16th Amendment, "The Congress of the United States shall have the power to lay and collect taxes on incomes, from whatever source derived, without apportionment among the several states, and without regard to any census or enumeration." FEEL the power of those words, the words that allow Government to redistribute wealth as it wants, taking only a small portion for itself! Pass that collection plate around, Mr. Revenooer, and don't bump the brass on your submachinegun.
Rememeber, Brothers and Sisters, it's a "voluntary" compliance system, so let's see a whole lot of volunteering! Mr. Revenooer, take those two non-volunteers outside and let them confess their sins to Brother Colt. If you'll open your hymnals to page 234, join us in our first hymn, that old favorite, "More Laws Are The Rock Of Our Salvation." You can never have too many laws, you know, and after all, laws are the mark that Government Cares About You. That was wonderfully touching, and because of the wonders of modern audio/video technology we know that some of you in the back row weren't quite as enthusiastic in your singing. You are doubtless unbelieving heretic scum who wish less government and fewer laws in the world. Mr. Efbeeye, please escort that back row out to Brother Colt for confession and execution of their penance.
Our sermon today is, as it has been for the past two hundred years, on the topic of "people are stupid lazy scum who must be controlled for their own good." Brothers and Sisters, you know the types. The stupid ones who want to drink and smoke and gamble their money away, money that should be going into Mr. Revenooer's collection plate so that it may be given to all of you hard working believers in Government. The lazy ones who do not believe it's right to work half a year -- or more -- to support Government and Its good works. And, of course, the scum who want to do those horrible, nasty, evil things like ingest DRUGS or buy or sell SEX or own GUNS. Stupid lazy scum need to be dealt with properly and, thanks to your fine contributions to Mr. Revenooer, Government in Its infinite wisdom will be dealing with those types as they deserve. As you KNOW they deserve, because YOU are PROUD that Government is doing exactly what you want to those OTHERS.
And you may sleep soundly knowing that it will never happen to you, because you have done unto others before they could do unto you.
Open your hymnals to page 116 and please sing along with us in "We Shall Gather At the Social Security Trough."
Brothers and Sisters, please bow your heads in prayer; Our Government, which art in DC, hallowed be Thy Name. Give us this day our daily bread, and entertainment, and special perks, taking from our neighbors' goods to do so. Forgive us our trespasses, as we cannot go 24 hours without breaking some law or regulation, but punish severely those who trespass against our tender sensibilities. For Thine are the Laws, and the Regulations, and the heavily armed and terribly unsympathetic Federal Agents, forever and ever, Amen.
Before we have our closing hymn, there are a few announcements. The Anti-Gun Animists, who believe that guns are demonic beings incarnate with will and purpose of their own, will be having a bake sale after the service to further their cause of unilateral victim disarmament. Please give them your support because, after all, we all know that the only good gun is a Government gun.
Tomorrow's prayer breakfast for the Gaia Support Group has been rescheduled to the day after. We'd like to see everyone here attend because despite 4 billion years of existence, the planet cannot possibly survive without Government intervention.
Finally, the Friends of the Great Spotted Suck Toad will be burning a red haired effigy after the service. That makes 297 effigies burnt this week alone.
Our closing hymn is found on page 589, "Amazing State, How Sweet Thou Art." Please remain kneeling for the parting benediction. And the rest of your lives. May the economic redistributions of our legislature, the tromping sound of the hobnailed jackboots of the enforcement arms of the executive, and the activist, "living Constitution," legislate-from-the-bench attitude of our judiciary be and abide with you always.
Go forth in peace, Brothers and Sisters, and know that Government is watching you and will be with you as you live on your knees.