Biggun Stump Sounds Off!
by Minority Mike (Michael J. Bates)
Special to TLE
Hit the dirt ya knuckleheads! Batten down the hatches! Katie bar the
door an' every man for himself! Biggun Stump has got the hog jaws an'
that ain't good. Now'd be a good time for y'all to be very afraid!
It all started when I stopped by The Last Ditch Attempt Saloon (Guns
& Bait in the back) on my way home to shoot our ol' goat, J. Reno. My
ol' woman, Margaret, had called an' told me that J. Reno chewed the
rope on my flagpole, which caused the flags to fall down. Then she
went an' ate my great great granddaddy's Confederate Battle Flag!
It's the end of the line for that walkin' carpet, I swanee! First let
me tell ya about Biggun.
Biggun Stump is well named. He goes about 6'10" an' weighs in around
325. He's got a head the size of a 21" color Magnavox an' his
shoulders are wide enough to hang a billboard sign on. On the back of
his jeans it says "Wide Load!" an' he once held up the front of my
truck while I changed the oil. When Biggun sits down to eat, you'd
best be in another room, 'cause he sucks all the air outta the one
he's eatin' in. For all that, he is the gentlest, kindest man I know.
I've only seen him Cosmic Angry twice -- once when The Last Ditch
Attempt Armed Bears lost the state high school football championship
to the Nodaway County PC Limp Richards on a bad call by a Democrat
ref. Biggun grabbed the football outta that ref's hand an' ate it,
then he got angry. Things turned out okay though, since the stadium
was scheduled to be torn down anyway an' folks all helped get the ref
down outta the tree Biggun threw 'im in.
The other time was today, when he come home an' found his daughter,
Axanna, watchin' Rosie O'Donnell shill for
Hillary-Rodham-Clinton-Rodham on TV. The TV is up on the roof now an'
Biggun's wife, Ima, made Axanna go to her room to memorize The Bill
of Rights. Biggun won't let me go home til I write out a list of some
of the other Rosie O'Fools that bring him grief.
This here's Biggun's list of what he calls navel lint...
SEAN "PUFFY" COMBS -- This village thug recently got himself indicted
for bribery and possession of a stolen gun. Combs claimed he didn't
even own a gun and Biggun would like to take this opportunity to tell
him that's why they call the one they caught him with STOLEN! "Puffy"
sent Hillary $1,000 in support of her crusade for criminals in New
York and what's left of the free world. Howard Wolfson,
Rodham-Clinton-Rodham's jive-speak-person, stated that Hillary's
campaign planned on keeping the money because "we believe in the
presumption of innocence." Apparently, church congregations in Texas
don't rate that presumption. Sean's all for Swamp Thing 'cause he
knows the only guns available in New York after she gets through will
be his favorite kind, illegal ones.
TIPPER GORE -- The Chinese translation of "Tipper" is: Show me the
money! Seems Tipper's got her panties all in a bunch 'cause she
suddenly found out The First Totalitarian ain't a nice person.
Apparently the Second Ol' Battle-Axe just found out the
Zipper-in-Chief lied about Monica an' now she's havin' a Maalox
moment about it. Tipper ain't been this mad since she nodded off and
fell outta the canoe her husband was paddlin' down a creekbed he
ordered flooded. Somebody hide yer Prozac an' force you into a
reality check there, Tipper? Biggun says, "Tipper over an' you'll
find a Communist Chinaman passin' campaign contributions to her
husband. How nice is that?"
JOHN McCAIN -- Little John has decided that any church folks who
disagree with him are "evil." Luke Lietalker says Pat Robertson and
Jerry Falwell are right wing fundamental extremists! He also lobbed
some grenades at Al Sharpton and Louis Farrakhan on the left. What
the hell's goin' on here? Where's all them First Amendment defenders?
Why isn't this man bein' hammered for the hate mongerin' charlatan he
is? All you Mormons, Catholics, Bhuddists, Muslims, Jews,
Protestants, Baptists and any other religious groups had best watch
out for the likes of Senator McCain. Demonizing people's religion is
EXACTLY what Hitler did 70 years ago and look what happened when he
got away with that! If these people are extremists, what's that make
Jesus and His Daddy? Is Moses a Libertarian? Were Joseph and Mary
card-carryin' communists? I reckon the archangel Michael was an
extremist fer sure. Little John, Biggun says YOU'RE the one soundin'
HYPHENS -- What is it with these things anyhow? The Feminazis started
this fad and now it's gotten totally out of hand.
happens to be a
rights-lover-left-wing-physically-challenged-dim-bulb has an axe to
grind! Road-Apples! Anybody who uses more than two names an' a middle
initial is gettin' ready to bore ya to tears with whatever it is
they're whinin' about this week and you can take that to the bank.
Did you ever notice that the people who are always demanding equal
treatment and social "oneness" for this or that always seem to be the
ones who try to set themselves above and apart from the rest of us
with this cheap trick of punctuation? Enough-Is-Enough!
EDWARD KENNEDY -- Designated drunken crash-test dummy. Ted's been
keeping a low profile lately, but he did surface from the muck where
he feeds long enough to send the First Trailer Trash $2,000 in
support of her campaign to become New York's newest elected felon.
Can somebody explain to Biggun why a toss-pot senator from
Massachusetts is allowed to send money to a Facist battle-hog from
Arkansas so she can steal from the Village of New York? Biggun's
guessing Teddy's hopin' Hillary will set him up with some women now
that the ones in Massachusetts and Florida all run away when they see
him and his nephews comin'. Hey Ted, lights on in that gigantic,
empty head of yours, Hillary comes fully equipped with an
assault-husband of her own! Biggun doubts the Pinocchio-in-Chief will
share victims with ya, but he reckons you'll just have to drive off
that bridge when you come to it.
MARTHA STEWART -- Trendy dough-girl scullery maid with helpful
household hints for the average two-Mercedes-and-a-Land Rover-family.
She wants to be the First Fuherette's Chief Enforcer of The Village
Taste Police. Martha has some wonderful ideas for "racial harmony"
fund-raiser party seating and Biggun can't wait to see Al Sharpton
snuggled up next to Chelsea at the next "Let's Start A Riot" benefit
he attends. Stewart also plans to brighten up Bill's funeral after
Hillary accidentally shoots him in a tragic Communist Chinese money
grubbin' an' rape accident. Martha, who never met a blue blood she
couldn't out-snob, sent $1,000 to the Hillary and assured her the
event will be black tie an' white shotguns only.
BRYANT GUMBEL -- Oppressed black man in $2,000 Armani suits who goes
on national television every day and proves that walkin' around with
your head up your butt will make you a celebrity. Bryant tries to
pose as a William F. Buckley type of guy but he comes off more a
Willy Wonka if ya ask Biggun. Arrogant, condescending and numb from
the neck up, Bryant expounds on the virtues of Facism on a daily
basis. Lover of Bill an' Hillary, producer of the Jesse Jackson
rent-a-protestor show. A major recipient of gold from the pot at the
end of the Rainbow Coalition, Bryant never met a totalitarian
race-baiter he didn't like. Here's a guy who's so insecure he thinks
Willard Scott's brain power will upstage him. If you're an average
black person, ask yourself this, do you think Bryant would invite you
to his house? If you're white, or any other color for that matter,
an' not the president of the United States, you already know the
MARIA HSIA -- Communist Chinese money hustler who never met a Clinton
or a Gore she couldn't bribe. Since the "mainstream" media blacked it
out, Biggun thought you might like to know that this influence-buying
little criminal was convicted the other day of funneling $100,000 to
some Democratic candidates as well as to the Clinton-Gore campaign of
1996. Biggest surprise here is that the Totalitarian-in-Chief's
"Justice Department" actually prosecuted and convicted a Clinton
Communist loan shark! Hsia is one of Al Gore's principle fund
raisers, by the way, and can anyone out there say, "Bought And Paid
For?" There are about 2,000,000,000 Communist Chinese out there and
I'm wondering if they're all going to chip in to buy some Moo Goo Gai
Gore. Does anything other than supporting The Bill of Rights
constitute treason in this country anymore?
AL GORE -- The original dirt the entire socialist left is as dumb as.
Al's said, thought, written and done so many stupid and illegal
things in his time that Guinness may have to start a whole new Book
of Records. Here's a guy that can actually make Dan Quayle sound like
Yoda. If you think Biggun's kiddin' just read these quotes from Al:
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the
"The future will be be better tomorrow."
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
Biggun's not makin' this stuff up, people. The Vice-Drooper himself
uttered all these moronic statements and in order to stand by them he
puked out another one to fellow socialist Sam Donaldson in August of
1993: "I stand by all the misstatements I have made", he drooled.
Many thanks for clearin' THAT up Al. Does anyone out there REALLY
want this room-temperature IQ to represent the United States? This
man is so dumb he'd screw up a three-car funeral; and in the months
to come, he'll be revealed for the treasonous thief he is. Al Gore
was and is a major player in the "Clinton Legacy" which is right down
there in the sewer with the Charles Manson, Benedict Arnold and Pee
Wee Herman legacies. America deserves a whole lot better than this.
Biggun says he's feelin' a little better now so he's goin' to let me
head on home an' barbeque J. Reno. Ima wants him to get the TV down
offa the roof an' Biggun said he'd do it if she'd take an oath to
make a planter box out of the damned thing. Axanna has memorized The
Bill of Rights an' is so excited she's startin' on the Federalist
Papers! Them Stumps are country, but they ain't foolish.
Y'all take care now hear.
Minority Mike, aka Michael J. Bates, can be reached at
His wife, Margaret, helps him with the big words in the letters you write him.