L. Neil Smith's
THE LIBERTARIAN ENTERPRISE
Number 68, March 31, 2000
Enslaving Private Ryan
by Michael J. Bates
Special to TLE
Get offa the damn phone an' drive, you idiot, an' get the hell outta
the fast lane while yer at it! Middle-aged white guy with a big ol'
attitude comin' through! Damnation, I wish these droopers would get
offa the road when I'm usin' it. Yuppie fools got about as much use
for four wheel drive as I have for a hair net.
I was just down at "Dirty Neck" Hickey's Guns & Bait & Feed & Grain
Emporium talkin' with some of the boys an' I'm more than hot right
now. We was talkin' 'bout how we're tired of bein' "protected" by a
bunch of laws written by a bunch of empty suits that're too dumb to
figure out how to run an elevator. All they REALLY do is force us to
get permission from the government before we can go to the
"environment safe" toilet. On top of all that, my ol' woman,
Margaret, called an' said our hog, Madeleine, had done busted through
the side of the barn an' ate up a whole passle of baby chicks. I
This here's some of them laws an' ideas that don't look much like
freedom to me...
CAMPAIGN 2000 -- Great big ol' peckin' party full of chickens who
don't have enough sense to get out of the road, much less cross it.
ENOUGH ALREADY!!! Haven't you scumbags done enough to America without
us havin' to listen to you deny it every four years? Just lie to us
about what you "stand for" an' shut up. No fair changin' it next day
either, you twerps! Your "debates" are the cause of people fallin'
asleep with cigarettes in their hands an' startin' house fires. Your
sound bytes are the fingernails on the chalkboard of my life. Your
"visions for America" are not only delusional, they're downright
spooky. You're all so dumb you'd have to study for a blood test!
Little John, you're not a war hero, you're a war survivor, an' it
doesn't mean squat so shut up about it. George, what the hell is it
you want to do? Quit mumblin' an' speak up. Al, I don't see how you
have time to do anything since you're so busy inventin' everthing an'
takin' money from Communist Chinamen. Bill, dribblin' ain't exactly a
leadership quality I look for. Pat, folks with a Bible in one hand
an' a flag in the other make me nervous. Jesse, I ain't got time to
pay attention to ya. If this is the best America can do, it's time to
call in the dogs an' put out the fire 'cause the hunt is OVER. We're
NATIONAL ENDOWMENT FOR THE ARTS -- National free ride for any yahoo
with a crayon an' a sheet of blank paper is what it looks like to me!
Why on earth should I have to pay some beret-head to finger paint!?
Every time a stoned out "art" student, shrouded all in black an'
wearin' day-glo hair wads up a lump of silly putty I'm supposed to
fork over some of my hard-earned cash in order to keep 'im supplied
with Magic Markers an' blunt nose scissors. That about the size of
it? Road Apples! I don't claim to know a thing about art, but I do
know this; the good stuff gets kept an' the junk gets junked, just
like in real life. Nobody should have to pay for somebody else's
choice to try an' be an "artist." If you're doin' good work, there're
a million "art critics" who can't draw a straight line that'll tell
everybody about it. If yer paintin' frescoes on the ceilin' of the
Sistine 7-11, then I don't give a damn an' I don't want to pay for
it! This ain't right!
SMART GUNS -- No, they ain't. This here is one of Billy Jeff's
brainstorms. He wants gun makers to make guns with little bitty
computer chips in 'em that will only let the guns fire if the person
with the right fingerprints is holdin' 'em. How about we try 'em out
first with all the government gunslingers you've got runnin' around
out there shootin' innocent citizens? If they work as well as the
computer chip that keeps goin' belly-up in Biggun Stump's TV down at
the Last Ditch Attempt Saloon (Guns & Bait in the back), we'll have a
lot less folks with holes in 'em after the ATF gets through
protectin' 'em to death! Take a look at what this idea means to me on
an everyday practical basis: I have four guns I keep around the house
for self defense an' varmint shootin' here on the ranch. If I'm the
only one who can use those guns, that leaves the rest of my family
defenseless. That ain't gonna happen! I've got three young 'uns and
one wife. This means I've got to buy eighteen more guns, four fer
each, plus two extra hide-out pieces for the women. This'll take the
number of self defense guns, in my house alone, from four to
Saaay ... wait a minute here ... when I think about
it ... DANG, Billy Jeff, this here's a GREAT idea. I ain't even counted
the huntin' 'an target shootin' guns around here. Hell boy, time I
get through obeyin' your new law, I'll have upwards of SIXTY-TWO guns
around my house! Damn son, that there's a FINE idea. Since this is
goin' to be a government program, an' since the wife an' kids are
minorities, I know you'll be sendin' the money for all these new guns
to 'em real soon. I know how you'd hate to see 'em get left behind on
that level playin' field you an' Hillary are always goin' on about.
My Margaret's got her heart set on a new slim-line Glock .45. Little
Lori can't wait to get her hands on her own, fingerprint-personal,
Armalite .308 cal. insult rifle. Hurry on up now, Billy Jeff, an' get
that check in the mail will ya? Many thanks.
INTERNET POLICE -- This here is a totalitarian government idea the
Butcher of Waco wants to try out right here in America. What she
wants to do is have some "Internet police" monitor the Internet for
folks she says might -- just maybe, someday, on a whim -- think about
commitin' a crime, then decide to broadcast it, secret-like, to
everybody in the galaxy. She's only goin' to look for criminals, she
says. Breakin' every law on every book in every state in the union
don't count if SHE's the one doin' it, I reckon. Madam Gas-Em only
wants to get after folks like...oh, I don't know...saay, women, kids,
folks who believe in God, anyone who disagrees with current
administration policies, people that believe The Constitution of The
United States of America is pretty much all the federal law we need
in this country, and any other subversive types like that. Miss
Janet's proven herself to be real good at findin' dangerous
subversive types. Remember how she found a whole gunny sack full of
'em bein' dangerous an' subversive at Bible study down there in Waco?
Po-liced them folks right into grave she did. Those they could find
enough left of to identify and bury. Lady Gunship wasn't around for
Ruby Ridge, but the "policeman" who shot a "subversive" 14 year old
boy an' his momma helped form her philosophy on protectin' Americans.
Why, he even shot their subversive K-9 American! As a reward for his
courage in participatin' in the murder of these two folks and their
dog, Reno sent him to Waco so he could practice shootin' subversive
church congregations. I don't know, Janet, this idea sounds a little
shaky to me. How about you send ME all the equipment an' policemen
an' we'll try it out on YOU and YOUR people first? We can set it all
up right here in my bunker, er uh, basement. We'll snoop and read
your mail for a while an' if we find anything we think is criminal or
subversive we'll apply your own "Waco Solution" to the problem. That
way, nobody worth anything gets hurt. Let me know what you think, but
don't Email it, ya never know who's lookin' at it.
SENSITIVITY TRAINING IN THE ARMED FORCES -- Billy Jeff, you should
have spent some time in a uniform, instead of runnin' around chasin'
everything in a skirt. Goin' to college an' majorin' in treasonous,
totalitarian tyranny 1-A has left you a couple of sandwiches short of
a picnic when it comes to knowin' anything about how the military
works. I served three years in the Army -- one year in the "police
action" over in Southeast Asia. From the first day I got there til
the day I got on that silver bird an' headed back here to the big PX,
everybody who outranked me told me my sole purpose in life was to
KILL the enemy. In three years of service, nobody EVER told me I was
supposed to BE SENSITIVE ABOUT IT!!! You hear what I'm sayin', boy?
Armies are for KILLING people an' that's ALL they're for. They are
not supposed to be mass, OD green encounter groups. If that gives you
the vapors or somethin', don't start any more damn wars! I know the
people that have to go an' fight 'em will thank ya. YOU put all those
women in combat units so they could act just like men. NOW you want
all the men to act just like women. Why do you insist on ham
stringin' both of 'em? If you're so hot to put women in combat, why
not put 'em in their own separate units? You could call 'em "The Lady
Killers" or somethin'. Put that scarred up ol' battle hog you're
married to in charge of 'em. Hell, she whipped YOUR butt with a table
lamp from what I hear. You want gays to fight, Billy Jeff? Lights on
in yer head, ya dipstick! Gays in the military go all the way back to
Alexander the Great and Hannibal, both of whom stacked asses an' took
names big time. Gay men an' women have served in the military since
the first cave man threw a stick at a monkey. Anybody with any sense
knows that, an' anybody that denies it ain't been payin' attention.
The Draft-Dodger-in Chief is the one who kicked up all this fuss over
a non issue. I never had anybody turn to ME in the middle of a fire
fight an' ask if I thought his helmet would look better in a pastel.
Neither has anybody else in the history of warfare. Whether you're
gay or un-gay, just do your duty an' don't pay any attention to that
idiot who's SUPPOSED to be your Commander-in-Chief. The only assault
weapon HE knows anything about is that little bitty derringer in his
pants an' women all over America are prayin' Hillary's put a
child-proof lock on that sorry thing.
Well I'm finally pullin' in to the barnyard, an' sure enough,
feathers an' dead baby chicks are scattered all over the place. Guess
I'll have to put that smelly ol' hog, Madeleine, down. I don't really
mind though. Shoot, I never did feel comfortable turnin' my back on
Y'all take care now, hear.
Minority Mike, aka Michael J. Bates, can be reached at:
His wife, Margaret, helps him with
the big words in the letters you write him.
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