L. Neil Smith's
THE LIBERTARIAN ENTERPRISE
Number 68, March 31, 2000
by Michael J. Bates
Special to TLE
Damnation! My 'ass is sick. I just came in from the barn 'an Billy
Jeff, my jackass, looks to be sanded. Sanded is when a jackass get
dirt 'n' stuff in his stomach. The only way to get him un-sanded is
to stick a garden hose up his works an' give him a sort of jackass
enema. I called Doc Croaker over at the Guns & Bait Veterinary &
Butcher Shop an' he's on his way out here. Doc Croaker's done it to
Billy Jeff before an' neither one of 'em likes it one little bit, I
can tell ya. Last time, Billy Jeff run off an' kicked Doc's brand new
truck. Doc got so mad he bit Billy Jeff on the neck an' had to get a
shot his own self. The whole business makes 'em both right salty.
While I'm waitin', let me tell ya a story I heard once. Seems there
was this American politician makin' a speech at an Indian
reservation. Every time he'd tell those Indians how concerned an'
carin' he was about 'em they'd jump up an' down an' carry on an' yell
"Mafungo!!! Mafungo!!! Mafungo!!!" When he got through talkin' he
told the chief how he'd like to go out and look over their cattle
herd. The chief said, "Sure thing, but watch out ya don't step in the
This here is some Mafungo that's been on my mind lately....
PETA -- These people love animals so much, they want 'em all arrested
for wearin' fur. The other day one of these dipsticks said people
shouldn't wear leather because it was just fur without the fur! Do
you understand this? I swear, I don't get it a-tall. What's Tony Lama
an' them supposed to make my boots out of, condoms? Are baseball
players supposed to use those big foamy "We're # 1" fingers to catch
with from now on? Are we supposed to start callin' the United States
Marine Corps "The Fightin' Polyester Necks?" Mafungo! Billy Jeff has
got more sense than this, an' he's a damn jackass. Maybe we should
treat animals ethically by skinnin' PETA members! That way, we'd have
the leather an' we wouldn't have to listen to all this lunatic,
sanctimonious crap anymore.
AL SHARPTON -- Shameless, bigoted, racist hate monger in a $1,000 suit
made from his own shark skin. Tireless promoter of the Tawana Bradley
"rape" that never happened. "Reverend" at the Church of Mo' Betta
Than Thou. Guest evangelist at Our Lady of Perpetual Racial Extortion
and Hate. I always knew Al was a low-life, but until the First Swamp
Thing publically hit her knees and groveled to him I thought he was
just a drug dealer in one of them "Superfly" movies! In a recent show
of extreme cowardice, even Texaco bowed to extortion from this race
baiter. Mafungo! Why are these people so afraid of this thug? I think
he's Don King wearin' a "Dear Abby" fright wig -- nothin' to be afraid
of there. Big companies like Texaco an' scarred up ol' battle pigs
like Hillary should be attackin' this guy for what he is, a walkin'
toxic threat to decent folks of ALL colors.
THE NRA -- Second amendment sell-out COWARDS! Fifteen minutes after I
mailed in my dues these droopers sent me a letter beggin' for more
money. An' they've done it twice a month, every month, since I
joined. Mafungo! Just how much does it cost to kiss Billy Jeff
Clinton's butt anyhow? Instead of demandin' enforcement of government
restrictions, they should be demandin' the indictment of the
Totalitarian-in-Chief! He's been doin' an end run around the second
amendment and the rest of The Constitution since the first time he
rented the Lincoln bedroom to a communist Chinaman! Which was the
first day he walked in the door. NRA members have done more for gun
safety and the protection of the Constitution than all the socialist
dim-bulb celebrities, politician suckholes and ignorant half-wit
"Village People" in America. They are decent, honest folks who do not
commit crimes, but DEMAND the right to defend themselves from those
who do. They spend time teachin' their children to respect guns for
what they are, not fear them out of ignorance or the lies the left
wing gun grabbers put out. NRA members an' their familys have
virtually NO CRIMINAL HISTORIES. Don't take my word for it, ask the
Shyster General. Lord knows she's got us all under surveillance
twenty four hours a day. I'm an NRA member, an' I'm damn sick of the
NRA "leaders" usin' my money to brown nose that socialist good for
nothin' in the White House. I want my money spent on REPEALING these
freedom-stealin' laws, not enforcin' 'em! If the "leaders" in the NRA
don't have the onions for it, they should get the hell out of the way
an' let some MEN in there who do. Chuck, get a hold of Wayne an' the
rest of the plant life that sit on the board of directors at the Not
Really Active, an' let 'em know I'm not goin' to let them fritter
away my freedom with my money any more!
CAPITOL HILL -- I've never seen so many pasty-faced, Limp-Richard,
suckhole, double-dealin', lilly-livered, room temperature IQs in one
place in my life! The blowholes who "work" inside the District of
Criminals are so brain dead they're currently tryin' to pass laws
against the WEATHER. Mafungo! In Vietnam we called an area like this
a "Target Rich Environment." Demican or Republicrat, it makes no
differance to me, I'd like to give 'em ALL life in the gas chamber.
Y'all do me a favor will ya an' stop votin' for these drop cases!
Stop lookin' to these false prophets for answers an' start lookin' to
yourselves. You feed, house an' clothe yourselves don't ya? That's a
damn sight more than these lyin' sacks can do. I've been to
Washington and dealt with some of these idiots an' I swear to ya,
they are HOPELESS, as well as corrupt beyond redemption. The only
things they care about are stealin' your money an' gettin' reelected
so they can steal some more of it. Let's all pull out our copies of
The Constitution of the United States of America and start over.
THE STARS AND BARS -- Leave that flag alone! Y'all take that flag down
an' I'm gonna demand that every tax-subsidised Martin Luther King Jr.
Boulevard in the country be renamed "Whiners Avenue." That flag is a
symbol of the South. It's got nothin' to do with slavery, which had
precious little to do with the Civil War. Abe Lincoln stated many
times that to maintain the Union was his goal, an' he didn't care if
it was with slavery or not. If you'd pick up a book once in a while
instead of waving misspelled protest signs you'd know that. That flag
is about a heritage that has just as much right to be remembered as
MLK does. This civil rights "protest" ain't civil an' it sure as hell
ain't right. Stop singin' "We Shall Overcome." Mafungo! You DID,
dammit. Quit whinin' about what you don't have an' start thankin' God
for what you do. If you can stand to rub shoulders with the likes of
Bill an' Hillary, I don't see why a flag should give ya the vapors.
Forty years ago the civil rights movement was full of courageous
folks who demanded equal rights an' got 'em. Now it's full of cow
flop an' crybabies who demand SUPERIOR rights an' don't deserve 'em.
I'm tellin' ya now, don't make me get the belt, leave that flag
NETWORK NEWS ANCHORS -- Empty suits with the amazin' ability to read
out loud. A big ol' bowl of capped teeth, high dollar suits, tinted
contact lenses an' $100 haircuts smothered in a rancid sauce of
Nanny-State indoctrination. Yum. Yum. Mafungo! "News" is supposed to
be what's new. These droopers specialize in tellin' you what you
should THINK about what's new. I used to like CNN, but then Ted an'
Jane threw a party for the CNN crew an' spiked all their beers with
LSD or somethin'. Next thing ya know we got Bernard Kalb or somebody
tellin' us Bombs-Away-Bill is a great President. These guys are
bought an' paid for by an administration that's bought an' paid for
by whoever can sign the biggest check the fastest. Remember Dan
Rather wearin' a dish towel on his head, needin' a shave an' lookin'
like he was gonna bum a quarter an' lay down in the middle of
Afghanistan somewhere? That ain't news, that's show business! Peter
Jennings only came down here 'cause Canada's already enslaved an' he
wanted to help do the same for Ameria. Blow Dry Brokaw claims to be a
farm boy, an' I've heard that sheep are right scared of 'im, but I
don't think he'd last 15 minutes at spring round up. I don't give a
hoot about what these clowns think. I get my news offa the Internet
where the REAL stories are.
ROSIE O'DONNELL -- She's got a right to spout her foolishness, an'
I've got a right to point out she's a brainless, totalitarian,
self-servin', hysterical fecal person who goes on national television
every day an' proves that some humans CAN get mad cow disease! While
an audience full of soccer-moms, who dumped their brats at the mall
for the day, cheer her on, Rosie vomits her idiocy on the masses.
Mafungo! Linked arm-in-arm with The-Hillary-Who-Would-Be-King, she
waddles merrily along the yellow brick road to world socialism.
Between downing platters full of donuts and pitchers full of hate the
"Queen of Nice" expounds on the virtues of everything from jailin'
legal gun owners to replacin' God himself with Bill, "The King of
Zippers" Clinton. She's livin' proof that in television, ignorance
and a big mouth will get you to the top of the dung heap every time.
Rosie O' Shut The Hell Up!
THE VAST RIGHT WING CONSPIRACY -- Yet ANOTHER stupid idea brought to
you by Hillary-Rodham-Clinton-Rodham. A conspiracy is somethin'
that's kept secret, Madam Crap-Speak. The "right wing" of America is
right out front there for all the honest folks to see, maybe that's
why you missed it! Me, I'm PROUD to stand to the right of Vlad the
Impaler when it comes to demandin' an' honest government. Why would I
want to keep that a secret? Listen up, Miss Hillary, the "right
wing," as you label anyone who disagrees with you, ain't a secret,
it's a FACT. I know how hard it is for you an' that wet end you
married to accept facts, but here's another one for ya. The little
feather of me, out there on that "right wing" you're so afraid of,
ain't goin' away. I'm damn sick an' tired of hearin' you weenie out
an' snivel every time you get caught in another lie, which is 'pert
near every time your lips move. You're momma oughta give you a pants
This here is what I believe in: I believe in God, my wife an' kids,
The Bill of Rights, The ORIGINAL Constitution of the United States of
America and my personal RESPONSIBILITY to live and LET live. If that
get yer panties all in a bunch, that's just too damn bad. Try an'
imagine how little I care. I don't want nothin' to do with you an'
your "village" nor any of the Nanny-State-Lovin', brain-dead, elitist
snobs that live there. You an' yours would enslave an' slaughter me
an' mine an' I'm not havin it. I'd rather be a septic tank in "Right
Wing City" than the Mayor of Hillaryville. Prattle on Hillary, but
don't be surprised if ya start seein' protestors at your speeches
wavin' signs that read, MAFUNGO!!! MAFUNGO!!! MAFUNGO!!!
I've got to get movin' now. Doc Croaker just walked in an' he's
givin' me the rat-face. Says he's goin' to shoot my 'ass with the M-1
he brought home from the Hitler war if I don't get myself out to the
barn an' help him. Doc Croaker's a decent fella, but he's tougher
than woodpecker lips, an' dealin' with the likes of Billy Jeff makes
him mean as a snake, so I best get after it. Be good to each other
an' watch out for the Mafungo!
Y'all take care now, hear.
Minority Mike, aka Michael J. Bates, can be reached at
His wife, Margaret, helps him with the big words in the letters you
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