14 People That Chap My Hide
by Michael J. Bates
Special to TLE
Move over sheeple, make a hole dammit! Cranky middle-aged white man
comin' through. This IS the smoking section, you twerp, an' if it
ain't, it is NOW. It's been one hell of a day an' I wanna pull on yer
coat about somethin' here. Gimme a long neck Pearl an' your
Had a flat tire on my pick-up first thing this mornin' and don't you
know, that itty bitty jack the safety Nazis demanded Ford put under
the hood wouldn't lift a skateboard, much less a REAL vehicle. Try
gettin' the spare out from under the back end without gettin' a
concussion an' a double hernia at the same time, I dare ya. The whole
damn day went like that! So I decided to stop by the Last Ditch
Attempt Saloon (Guns & Bait in the back), on my way home to feed our
fat ol' milk cow Hillary. Biggun Stump, the bartender, was there by
his lonesome, and he had the TV tuned in to the car-wreck news. I
made the mistake of lookin' at the infernal thing and it got me to
thinking about the idiots they put on there to "entertain" and
"inform" America. Sorriest bunch of cap-toothed empty suits and eye
shadow junkies that ever breathed air.
These droopers really chap my hide.
KATIE COURIC - I'm tired of hearin' about how "cute 'n' perky" she
is. Manic is what she is. She's also one of the farthest out feathers
in the left wing television industry. I was "cute 'n' perky" like
that one time an' the deputy made me take a field sobriety test. To
hell with "cute 'n' perky," I want the truth!
RICHARD SIMMONS - This sawed off little gender bender looks like
Son-of-Liberace in silky little short pants to me. Why is this
shemale so damn popular? If he's such a great dietician, how come all
those women that coo over him look like Green Bay Packers interior
linemen? Another good question is what were me an' Biggun doing
watchin' the little weirdo in the first place?
WALTER CRONKITE - A lot of us grew up with this guy, and next to John
Wayne, he was about as pro- America as you could get. Everybody
trusted Walter. Hell, he used to be in schools back before the NEA
turned them into socialist reeducation camps. He used to host those
"You Are There" movies they'd make you sit through in junior high
school history class. Some actor would drive a golden spike in Utah,
and there'd be Walter telling you how this was the beginning of
kicking the crap out of the commies. Now all of a sudden, he's
runnin' around shillin' for Billy Jeff Clinton, the UN, global
government (pronounced slavery), affirmative action, cultural
diversity (pronounced slam white America for all your problems), gun
control (pronounced law abiding Americans give us your guns, you
criminals can keep yours), and a whole pile of other nonsense
designed to turn America into the next third world gulag. Walter, hey
Walter, wake up dammit, what the hell happened here!!? Somebody slip
a mickey in your Viagra milkshake or something? Get a grip pal and
take a look in the mirror. Are you in there?
SPIKE LEE - He said: "Charleton Heston should be shot with a .44
Bulldog." Spike wants gun control all right, just as long as he and
his totalitarian bros are the ones controlling them. Spike is black
by the way, and Chuck Heston is white. Go to jail Mr. Lee, do not
pass GO and do not make another highly overrated black exploitation
movie. You have committed a "hate crime." Now THAT'S a level playing
field. How ya like it so far?
JOHN McCAIN - S&L thief, pampered elitist snob, school yard bully,
abortion flip-flop artist, "campaign finance reform" fraud, socialist
agenda puke, and one really, really weird lookin' guy, all rolled in
to the original putrid package nobody with any sense would touch with
a ten foot pole. I know you're not the only hair ball runnin' for
office, but right now you're the biggest burr under my saddle. Listen
up little John, you are NOT a war hero, you are a war SURVIVOR. I
happen to personally know a few returned POWs, and you shouldn't be
allowed to stand under the same sun with them. I don't discount your
service, Mr. bank robber, service to one's country is an honorable
thing. But I detest your attempted march to the White House over the
bodies of the men I served with in Viet Nam. You should be ashamed.
Then you should be indicted.
DIANE FEINSTEIN - Educated in the San Francisco tradition of
gay-think-a-roni, this air-headed fashion zombie is like the tin foil
we've all bitten down on at one time or another. A lap-dog for Billy
Jeff to tease with cigars and other left wing "for the children" sex
education toys. The first thing this hypocrit did after Harvey Milk
got dusted out in California twenty five years ago was to run out and
get a gun permit. The second thing she did was to initiate
legislation that would disarm the rest of us. Joined at the lip with
Barbara Boxer, another feminist dim bulb, she continues to whine on
in the best Hillary tradition. Big ol' waste of skin is what she is.
ALEC BALDWIN - Another Hollyweird advocate of murder for peace. Mr.
Baldwin, on national television no less, demanded the death by
stoning of Henry Hyde and his entire family. This is the enlightened
opinion of a fella who thinks dogs are an endangered species, cats
should be sued for wearin' fur and The Bill of Rights is the menu at
Planet Hollywood. 'Nother hate crime here Alec, hope you an' Spike
meet lots of new and interesting folks in jail. Specially in the
MADELEINE ALBRIGHT - Now let me get this straight. The IRS steals my
money in order to pay this bag-lady lookalike, (my apoligies to
honest bag-ladies everywhere), to run around the world settin' us up
to be the United Nations of Amerika. That about the size of it? I
want my money back, NOW. Toss yer bedroll on the UN floor Madeleine
and STAY there. I'll have some "peacekeepers" along shortly to gas,
shoot, bomb and burn you until you are completely "globalized."
JESSE JACKSON - Other than runnin' all over the place knockin' people
down in order to get in front of any camera in sight, can anybody out
there tell me what this man does for a living? Has he ever had a real
job? I can't afford to take my ol' woman out for a steak at Buford's
Guns & Bait Roadhouse more than once a month. But this-as far as I
can tell-unemployed, self-serving big mouth manages to get from
Wisconsin to Tierra del Fuego, an' anywhere else he wants to go, at
the drop of a hat. I gotta wonder, has he been dippin' into the
pot-o-gold under that Rainbow he's always talkin' about? I'm not
impressed by a guy in a $1,000 suit standin' in the middle of a gang
of crack heads talkin' about how I oughta be helpin' 'em. Help 'em
what? Adjust the sights on their stolen guns so they get tighter shot
groups when they're doin' drive-bys? Stick a crowbar in yer wallet
Jesse an' help 'em yourself. Better yet, get a REAL job and set an
example. Quit shirkin' an' get workin' as you might say.
DONALD TRUMP - This guys employs a lot of folks, an' that's a good
thing fer sure. But ye Gods 'n' little fishes, where did he EVER get
the idea that anyone gives a hoot about his "politics?" Forget the
Reform party, Don, they've got enough trouble. Start your own party,
why don't ya? You already know how to lie, cheat and steal. Lord
knows you've got the cash and the smarmy grin. Here's some ideas to
get you started. You could call it the
could run on the "Lobsters-And-Self-Absorbed-Fashion-Models-Ticket."
You could stand on the "Get-Behind-Me-And-Stay-There-Platform." At
rallies, the band could wear "The Donald" masks and fright wigs and
play "The Wonder of Me." I'm just spit ballin' here, but it might
work. Use any of these ideas you want, just as soon as you pay me my
copyright fees and promise to campaign on another planet.
JANET RENO - Let's get somthin' straight here right from the git-go.
Janet Reno does NOT have a disease that makes her shake. The real
story here is that there's a wire up her butt that runs directly to a
little button on the Zipper-in-Chief's desk. Any time he thinks she
might break down and tell the truth about anything, Bill pushes the
button and Lady Reno gets 110 volts up her pooper. You'd shake an'
lie too, if you knew that was the price you'd have to pay for bein'
honest. Just thinkin' about it makes me shakey. Now that we've got
that out in the open, so to speak, you can stop feelin' sorry for her
and start demanding her indictment. The slaughtered of Waco demand
it. That was a church, full of women and kids! They were gassed, shot
and burned! If you think that can be "justified," or "explained," in
any way, by any body, then stop readin' this right now an' go turn
yourself in to this criminal so she can "protect" you. Me and mine
can take care of ourselves, thank you very much. Anybody else that
wants to "protect us" had better bring their lunch, 'cause I swear to
ya, it's gonna be a long day.
YASSAR ARAFAT - Official terrorist peacemaker. I think he's really
Ringo Starr with a dish towel wrapped around his head. Think about
it, have you ever seen the two of them together? I suppose he's not
any worse than the official terrorist peacemaker on the other side
he's always arguing with, but that Ringo thing bothers me. Get rid of
him an' see if those people over there can get things settled down.
It's worth a try, an' you gotta admit, things aren't gettin' any
better the way they are.
JERRY SPRINGER - This guy is not only the bottom of the barrel, he's
gone through the bottom and now resides in the sewer lines under the
house. How can one man find so much trailer trash, and so many
pathetic, room temperature IQs, an' get 'em all on TV at the same
time? In truth, it ain't Springer that makes me salty. Hell, he's
just another snake oil salesman in a cheap suit. No, it's the fact
that this sort of brain-dead sewage is so wildly popular in America
today that riles me. It's just plain ol' disturbing. I'm not gonna
say things couldn't get any worse. Every time I do, some walkin'
piece of fecal matter like this comes along and proves me wrong.
BILL OWENS - Turncoat Governor of Colorado. Seems Mr. Bill got
himself elected on a platform that included a pro-gun plank. Now he's
doing everything he can to make sure law abiding folks in Colorado
can be assaulted nice 'n' legal-like by the scumbags that don't pay
any attention to laws in the first place. This here is the kind of
thing that just gets me hotter than the salsa down at Renaldo's Guns
& Bait & Mexican Fiesta Bar & Grill. Another
I make a motion that nobody named Bill ever get elected for anything
in America as long as I'm alive. This squishy, low-rent fool says
takin' guns away from honest citizens will insure that things like
that mess at Columbine High don't happen again. Just how many of them
honest folks that voted for you were shootin' up that school, you
moron??? Them two whacked-out kids broke upwards of 30 laws that are
ALREADY on the books! You think passin' some more will change
anything? That there is what I hafta to scrape offa my boots after
walking in the pasture before my ol' woman will let me in the house!
I don't know what the folks in Colorado are going to do with you, but
I'D be lookin' for a rope an' a tall tree to introduce you to. You
hear what I'm sayin' boy?
Along about this time Biggun told me I had to leave 'cause he was
closin' early so's he could get over to the Guns & Bait Movie Complex
& Pistol Range in time to see a Meryl Streep retrospective. I'm 6'3''
an' go about 250 pounds, but Biggun Stump could eat apples off the
top of my head, stem, seeds, an' all, so I didn't question his choice
of entertainment. Besides, it's supposed to be a free country, an' if
Biggun wants to watch Meryl leak around the eyes, that's his look
I sure enough didn't get to all the fools out there that chap my
hide, but you get the idea. Chances are there's somebody I missed
that's puttin' a flat tire on the motorcycle of YOUR life. If that's
the case, let me know an' maybe we can get together some day an'
I've got to get on home now an' milk Hillary before she starts
howlin' 'n' stompin' her feet like her namesake has been known to do.
Y'all take care now hear.
Minority Mike, aka Michael J. Bates, can be reached at