L. Neil Smith's
THE LIBERTARIAN ENTERPRISE
Number 65, February 15, 2000
State of Disunion
The Minority of Mike
by Michael J Bates
Special to TLE
Move over, you mushy-headed socialists, and make way for the brand
new minority of Mike. I'm pushing 50, there's a big ole gut hanging
over my NRA belt buckle, and I'm growing more hair in my ears than on
my head these days, all of which conspire to make me damn cranky. I'm
also white. You heard me! If you think that eliminates me from the
booming minority industry you're dead wrong! What's more, I've earned
my way into these whiney ranks; I wasn't born into it like all of you
other lucky oppressed, exploited and underprivileged wogs. It's taken
years of abuse from the majority of you to create the minority of me.
"Wait a damn minute here," you say. "You're a middle aged white guy,
you're the oppressor and exploiter. You're the one Bogarting our
privileges! You aren't eligible to snivel with the likes of us!"
Lights on in yer heads ya crybabies! According to your own
spokespeople, life its own self has made me one of you. According to
them, I've been oppressed, exploited and underprivileged my whole
life. Just read on and see if I'm not right, I double dog dare you.
Here's a list of issues, events, and people the majority of you
dim-witted politicians and American sheeple have heralded as wildly
popular over the course of the last forty-odd years of my life. While
all of you were rooting for this stuff, I was being hammered for
holding what you told me was the minority view.
ALAN ALDA -- Most of the women, and lots of you men simply wet
yourselves over this clown and his "men must get in touch with their
feminine side" crap. "It's good for men to cry and whine out their
feelings," sniffed Mr. Shirley. Not down at Zonkers Tavern where I
was hanging out. Mince in THERE spouting this stuff and the sound of
pop tops opening cans of Whup Ass would have deafened you.
DISCO -- Fess up, you people went nuts for this noise. Bunch of
Australian pretty boys (except for that anorexic looking one who was
and is butt ugly) in kiss-me-quick hair dos and polyester clothes
made of colors not found in nature screaming in their best falsetto
voices about "Staying Alive." I'd have liked to seen them stay alive
in the Ashau Valley, Republic of South Viet Nam where I was shakin'
MY bootie. I tried a polyester shirt once, but the collar kept
snaggin' on the rifle rack in my truck.
ABORTION -- I was for it when it came out, but the majority of the
sheeple closed ranks with the majority of the politicians again and
said I was a Godless heathen. Now I'm against it and you're telling
me I'm a religious nut. I can't seem to get my saddle tossed over
this nag no matter which side of the damned thing I'm standin' on.
FREE LOVE -- I don't know where you went to school, but life has
taught me there is no such thing. We all whore in one way or another.
MINI SKIRTS AND BRA BURNING -- Actually I was very much for these fads
until you women told me I couldn't look at you anymore after you'd
done it. What's the point if I can't look?
JANE FONDA -- Loathed her then, loathe her now.
VOTING -- People say: You have no right to complain if you don't vote.
I say: You have no right to complain if you do. You're the ones
voting for these bottom feeders, you deserve everything they do to
you. People say: If everyone felt that way our government would
collapse. I say, Excellent! If you insist on voting you should be
tested on your knowledge of issues and candidates BEFORE you get
handed a ballot. As it is, any damn fool not only CAN vote, they DO.
Are you happy with the shape this country is in? Care to take a guess
as to who's responsible?
DRUG LAWS -- What a resounding success these have been, huh? You
sheepleticians seem to think putting some guy in the joint for 10
years because he was holding a couple of ounces of grass, while
turning murderers and rapists loose to do "community service" in the
communities they victimize, is the way to go. I happen to know you
can find more dope in jail than on any street corner in America. How
I know is none of your damn business, just take my word for it. Do
you honestly feel some pot head eating a jar of mayonnaise at three
in the morning is something to fear? The guys you keep turning loose
scare me, an' I'm big enough to eat hay, not to mention armed! Have
another glass of gin and think about it. Better yet, go to jail and
see for yourselves.
ROSIE O'DONNELL -- See Jane Fonda.
SAVING THE EARTH -- The earth is fine. I rode out and looked it over
this morning and it's fine I tell you. The PEOPLE on it need help,
but the EARTH is fine, honest.
HASSLING BILL GATES -- He built a better mouse trap and you people
beat a path to his door all right, with subpoenas! I say leave this
guy, and others like him, alone. One of these days Atlas is going to
shrug for real. Who you gonna sue then?
GUN CONTROL -- Don't even get me started on this one.
FAMILY VALUES -- This was a big one not too long ago. Family values
this, and family values that. Fine and dandy, but just whose family
are we talking about here? Your family? My family? The Manson
family!? How about the Clinton family? You sheepleticians do what you
want, but leave me an' my ole woman out of it. Our kids are growed
and gone, none of 'em dope fiends, perverts or in jail either.
Straight shooters, all of 'em. Literally.
THE V CHIP -- You guys want your kids protected from the crap on
television? Make a planter box out of the damn thing. Those are
little people and television turns them into little zombies.
MOVIE CENSORSHIP -- You ALL snivel about sex and violence in the
movies. There's too much of it and you don't like it and you want it
cleaned up "for the children." Here's a tip, don't buy a ticket.
Don't let Junior buy one either. You can do that you know, unless of
course you've already shipped him off to that village Hillary keeps
harping about. Sex and violence have been the mainstays of
entertainment since before Romeo jumped Juliet. Live with it. Lose
all the ratings crap and quit trying to "clean up the movie
industry." You can polish a turd all you want to, when you get done,
it's still only a turd. Besides, I happen to LIKE watching guys blow
stuff up while ridin' around on motorcycles with no helmets an' bare
chested women on the back shootin' automatic weapons.
FOREIGN AID -- For years the politicians, and their partners in crime,
the IRS, have stolen money from me. They mail it off to countries I
can't pronounce and call it foreign aid. What a pantload. All that
happens is some FOREIGN politician steals it, then phones us,
collect, begging for more. Foreign aid my achin' butt. Extortion is
what it is! Why don't you let Willie Nelson give 'em a concert or
something? You can bet Willie's people would make damn sure the money
got to where it was supposed to go. Be a good concert too, if
GAY RIGHTS -- Alright already. BE proud. BE gay.
Just be QUIET would ya? You've made your point. I was gay once
too, you know, right up until it was my turn.
GOVERNMENT MANDATED HIRING PRACTICES -- Let me get this straight. In
order to eliminate discrimination in hiring people for jobs, you
passed a law that makes employers discriminate against hiring OTHER
people for jobs. That about it? This makes about as much sense as me
tryin' to load 12 gauge double ought into my Colt. Charles Manson
once said, "No sense makes sense." I guess that boy could have gone
far in the law-making industry. Which, by the way, is a monopoly and
should be made to go stand in the corner with Bill Gates.
NAFTA -- See Gun Control
THE SUPREME COURT -- The Supremes have got a loud beat, but I can't
dance to them. Who's responsible for these idiots anyway? They do a
boogaloo around the Constitution at the drop of a disco ball an'
nobody does squat. W-a-a-a-y past time for 'em to straighten up and
fly right, I say.
GERALDO RIVERA -- See Rosie O'Donnell.
LARRY KING AND NIGHTLINE -- For years you television zombies have been
getting your "news" and "opinions" from this drooper and others like
him. Please. King has been married so many times he's got rice marks
all over his face. Just the thought of listening to him and Monica
prattle on for an hour about her "political insights" and their
shared vision of "family values" sent me scurrying around my house
looking for a barf bag. The majority of you thought it was a scoop,
and you can't deny it. I saw the ratings for that show and damn near
ALL of you were watching. Here's an idea, why not have all of Larry's
ex-wives on the show and they can discuss ... umm, oh, I don't know ...
say, maybe the possibility that he's an egomaniacal,
shill-for-the-left, sneakweenie? Now that's an ex-wives' club I'd be
interested in hearing from.
VIET NAM -- See Gun Control
NATIVE AMERICANS -- After slaughtering most of them, the majority of
you sheepleticians decided I owed them money for it. I wasn't even
there! You can ask my mom. Say, come to think of it, I was born in
this country. Hell, I'M as much a Native American as they are. If
they're so downtrodden, how come nobody ever got rich selling
AMERICAN jewelery to them huh? This ain't right.
RALPH NADER -- For about 40 years now this safety Nazi has been
running around sticking his nose in everybody's business, and the
vast majority of you sheepleticians have applauded him for it. The
original "Hey you could put somebody's eye out with that" puke is
responsible for more government intervention, bureaucratic
corruption, pork barrel spending and out-and-out Constitution
demolishing than any human being in America. Ever. Thank you Ralph
for air bags that kill kids, "environmental toilets," catastrophic
converters, Alar hoaxes, OSHA, cops who give me tickets because you
said I had to wear a seat belt, and a pile of stupid laws big enough
to cover Mt. Rushmore, along with enough left over to fill my barn.
Thank you, you over-rated busybody. Thank you very much.
CAMPAIGN FINANCE REFORM -- Perhaps the granddaddy of all oxymorons.
You sheeple keep howling for it, you blowhole politicians keep
claiming you're going to give it to them, and the corruption keeps
rolling along. It's not the money that kills liberty, sheeple, it's
the empty suits you keep forkin' that money over to.
And finally ...
BILL AND HILLARY -- You not only elected them, you elected them
TWICE!!! Aren't you ashamed of yourselves? I've got a good mind to
take a strop to you. Didn't your parents bring you up any better than
this? Go to your room, I'll decide your punishment later.
Keep in mind this is only a PARTIAL list of the ways the majority of
you twinks have oppressed, exploited and underprivileged me over the
course of the last 49 years. I could snivel for days. Surely, by now
you must agree that I am a minority. You can't deny me for reasons of
race, creed, color, or drivin' a pick-up truck with an NRA sticker in
the window. Your own squishy rules say that's a discrimination no-no.
You made this bunk, and I get to lay down and snivel in it. Welcome
to the minority of Mike.
If you're wondering what I now demand as my minority status rights,
I'll be glad to tell you.
Nothing. Not a damn thing.
To make me happy, all you majority members need to do is go away.
On your way out the door, pick up your trendy causes, idiot
politicians, corrupt administrations, unenforceable and
unconstitutional laws, safety Nazis, bubble-headed, loud-mouthed
Hollywood dim wits, junk scientists, environmental terrorists,
feminist bores, gun-grabbing sissies, television talk show hosts,
self-righteous soccer moms, lawyers, supreme court socialists,
feminist butt heads, PETA loons, foreign investors, revisionist
historians, propaganda-printin' newspapers, self-important bureaucrat
thieves, IRS, FBI, NSC, CIA, FEMA, ATF and any other damn
freedom-stealin' alphabet organization you've abused me with for the
last five decades!
Just leave your copy of the Bill of Rights and The Constitution of
the United States of America over there on the coffee table. You
never read it anyway, and the minority of me would very much like to
see it put to good use for a change.
Michael Bates is a freelancer, and has been a contributor at Liberty
Journal, Lew Rockwell.com, Etherzone and FemmeSoul. He can be reached
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