Indians Have the Bomb!
by Steven Martin Cohen
Special to The Libertarian Enterprise
It seems that these days everyone wants an atomic bomb of their
very own. Every self-proclaimed nation is flexing its international
muscle to prove that its physicists can also implement nuclear fission
while simultaneously poisoning their civilian population with the
Well, add to that growing nuclear fraternity the Indians -- no,
not the Indian Indians, tucked away in starving, overpopulated India
-- the American Indians.
The Apache Nation has just detonated its first atomic bomb in the
American southwest as scores of tourists helplessly watched, too
horrified even to lift their point-and-shoot cameras to film the
Apache scientists and observers rode on horseback, single file,
wearing ceremonial headdresses and war paint, out to a hilltop
overlooking the test site in their reservation research facility. At
high noon they said a prayer to their great ancestral spirits. Then
Crazy Spectroscope, the project scientist and part time auto mechanic,
gave the countdown and pressed the button. A brilliant light flashed,
and the ground rumbled. Asked about the success of the test, Apache
spokesperson Dances With Spin told eager reporters, "The explosion was
satisfactory, and we are delighted with the results. This was the
equivalent of a thirty giga-arrow energy release. More tests are
planed for later this year."
The U.S. Secretary of the Interior was not available for comment,
but a Pentagon spokesperson said that this explosion released more
energy than had been cumulatively expended in all our conflicts with
all the Native American Persons of all combined tribal persuasions
since the white man's arrival on the continent -- including simulated
energy release during all the battle re-enactments for movies,
television, HBO specials, and live events.
U.S. officials fear this will set off a Native American Persons
arms race the U.S. government will be legally helpless to stop.
The Sue Nation is reported to be researching the possibility of a
fusion device, and the owners of the Foxwood Casino and Resort Hotel
remain tight-lipped about their plans for nuclear proliferation and
the development of a Native American Person neutron bomb.
One analyst at a Washington based think tank said that a nuclear
device, in and of itself, is not as dangerous as it might seem,
because the delivery system is as important as the warhead. But U2
flights over the Apache reservation have confirmed satellite
surveillance photos revealing what appears to be a football
field-sized bow and arrow which, it is feared, could hurl an atomic
device 10 or 12,000 feet, thus endangering outlying small U.S. ghost
towns and numerous nonexistent military installations.
U.S. army General "Wild Bill" Bunker simply said, "Damn redskins.
Now I got them to worry about, too. See what happens when you give
back land. I don't understand their problem -- weren't they happy
selling trinkets and drinking whiskey?"
Bureau of Native American Persons Affairs Chief Marvin Finkelstein
thinks not. He said, "The Native American is a free and creative
spirit in the wind. The United States government has taken away their
land, their buffalo, their clean rivers, and now the government wishes
to take away their happy mining grounds and the right to explode
uranium too? I think not. Uranium bombs are the last bargaining
chips the defeated and humiliated Native American person has."
General Bunker angrily responded, "Bargaining chips? What do you
call all those fancy casinos? I lost a thousand bucks in the slots
alone. These people are rolling in dough we can't even tax. Now they
want the bomb also? Next thing you know, the negroes will have the
bomb. What's this world coming to? It's those damn liberals got us
into this mess."
Recently released CIA documents reveal that nations of the negro
persuasion are closing in on nuclear capability, though. Reports
indicate that Jamaica, Haiti, Chad, Uganda, and Nigeria are working on
their own atomic bombs. There are also rumors of clandestine Eskimo
nuclear research being conducted in secret igloos under the cover of
permanent frost, and concerned government officials fear a dog sled
delivery system could cross the U.S. border in the dead of winter to
threaten Detroit and possible strategic slums throughout the
General Bunker threw up his hands in disgust. "Whale fat and wife
swapping wasn't good enough for the Eskimos, huh? I thought the cold
war was over, but this new Eskimo thing adds a whole new dimension to
the cold war."
Not to be outdone by the Native American Person achievement, other
minority groups are responding with crash nuclear programs. Feminist
groups are working on their own nuclear enrichment while gay and
lesbian research teams are working side by side to develop a
proprietary same-isotope cohabitation program in a single warhead
environment. Hispanic research is off to a slow start, but the
bilingual nuclear enhancement program is picking up speed with the
update of their periodic table which formerly possessed no elements
In a frenzy to achieve parity with everyone else, countries,
minorities, factions, juntas, and splinter groups are accelerating
their nuclear programs, and fission is on everyone's mind. American
universities are stepping up atomic physics programs to meet rising
world demand for weapons-grade qualified personnel, and student aid is
being provided by, strange as it seems, the U.S. government.
Check out Steven Martin Cohen's "Screw the Planet" cartoons, updated
every Friday at: http://www.pissedoff.com/stp.shtml.
To comment specifically on this rant, point your web browser to:
You can also explore the numerous links to related sources in the web
version. Get any topic off your chest in the pissedOff open forum: