Petition to Michigan House and Senate on HB 5551-59
Satire by David K. Felbeck
Special to The Libertarian Enterprise
We, the members of Michigan Criminals Against Concealed Carry,
representing 100,000 or so members (some in prison but optimistically
planning for our future), are vehemently opposed to the proposed
reform of Michigan's concealed carry laws, and petition the Michigan
House and Senate to consider the following:
1. We are in a profession which to date has not been particularly
dangerous, and this legislation, by its clear danger to our members,
would cause us to consider changing professions. Most of us have no
training for other professions so this would probably put us on the
welfare rolls. With Governor Engler working so hard to reduce the
welfare rolls, you wouldn't want a sudden increase in welfare
recipients to take place, at least not until after the election.
2. If we hit a convenience store, for example, while robbing the
customers we might come across one who is armed. This would really
mess up our operation and might even ruin our evening. We just can't
3. If we hit a bank we might have the same problem, so even with
the increased opportunity for higher pay-off, robbery of banks and
their customers would become of tenuous profitability.
4. We hate to think what this legislation would do to those of us
who are regular rapists. The mere thought that a proposed victim
might be armed would move rape way down on the list of fun ways to
pass an evening. We urge the Legislature at the very least to
consider banning concealed carry by women because of the hazard this
would represent to some of our members.
5. Car-jacking has so far been a grand pastime because of the
freedom from risk and the many-thousand-dollar payoff from a good car.
Those of us who are regularly in this challenging profession might
even sue the state for losses sustained from a substantial reduction
in our gross take when some of our members are killed in the course of
trying to acquire nifty cars.
6. Most people have guns in their homes but most of them can't
get hold of them very fast. If this legislation passes, many people
will be found in their homes while still armed. For the technique of
forced entry at the front door, which in the past has worked quite
well, we would then face this additional complication. A woman at the
front door with a loaded 1911 would surely put us off balance, and
might even end our careers. We simply can't allow this to happen.
7. Holding up an entire restaurant and robbing (or even
shooting?) the customers has been a widely publicized and interesting
activity in the past. Imagine how the odds would be stacked against
us if a couple of the customers were armed! This has already happened
in Florida, by a couple of really old guys -- we surely don't want
those Florida laws brought to Michigan. At the very least, we should
push to forbid concealed carry in as many public places and parking
structures as possible so as to minimize the danger to our members.
8. Our younger members (apprentices) have been particularly
successful in school shootings because these have in the past been
"gun-free zones." That shooting in Mississippi was messed up,
however, when the principal ran to his car and retrieved his legally
carried pistol and then stopped the shooting. Thank goodness he
wasn't carrying it inside the school or our young out-of-state member
wouldn't even have been able to kill the two people that he did. We
should definitely push to ban concealed carry in all schools and
colleges in Michigan, for the safety of our members and to allow them
the freedom to fulfill their goals without hindrance.
For these reasons, and many more, we sincerely petition the
Michigan House and Senate to consider the importance of our profession
to the state's economy: we provide employment for thousands of
police, judges, prosecutors, lawyers, court personnel, prison
personnel, secretaries, and construction and maintenance people. If
you allow the concealed weapons laws to be reformed you will
jeopardize our careers, our livelihood, and will significantly impact
this very important industry that we represent. Please consider these
arguments carefully when you vote on these bills.
Board of Directors of Michigan Criminals Against Concealed Carry June
Although The Libertarian Enterprise officially opposes concealed
carry permits on the grounds that converting a right into a privilege
may win the battle but loses the war, we decided that this article
deserved airing. Its author, David K. Felbeck, reports that he and
his colleagues in Michigan are in the midst of "a great battle to
become the 32nd 'shall issue' state". He prepared this whimsical
little set-piece, distributed it to the House committee considering
the bills in question, and they promptly voted the bills out (by 10 to
5) to the full House. He was delighted and immediately sent it to the
entire 110-member Michigan House of Representatives.