Squid Declared Politically Incorrect
by Steven Martin Cohen
Special to The Libertarian Enterprise
Two Australian scientists recently discovered a packet of sperm
injected under the skin of a female giant squid, thus reinforcing
hypotheses about the bizarre mating habits of these fifty foot long
invertebrates. Scientists believe when that special urge overtakes
the male of the species, he violently tears open the skin of the
female and hydraulically injects sperm into the wound, which the
female later uses to fertilize her eggs.
Squid mating has outraged feminist groups across the country.
Protests are planned, and an immediate ban on squid consumption and
import has been demanded. "It is nothing short of rape," one
disgusted spokesperson claimed, and at a recent anti-squid rally,
another anonymous source said, "I suspect this will lend some sort of
biological imperative, or justification, if you will, to the validity
of rough sex, and women simply cannot permit this sort of behavior by
men or squid."
And the First Lady agreed, telling reporters, "I feel the female
squid's pain." The White House is expected to assume an official
position, but this could present touchy problems for the President,
who, like the male squid, is accused of sexual misconduct.
As the bipartisan politics of squid mating heats up, the fish
industry is working out strategies behind closed doors. New York
restaurateur, Luigi Bonitelli said, "I like a the calamari, especially
with some nice a garlic, and a little red sauce, and a linguine ...
maybe a nice a glass of red wine ... " Then he went on to say, "I no
care a how a they do it, just so long as it ends up on a somebody's
Feminists claim this issue goes way beyond food though, and if we
condone this behavior in squid, the next thing we know, we'll be
condoning rape across America. And who knows where it might lead.
Republicans and Democrats are lining up on both sides of the aisle,
and once again, this issue is being used as a convenient vehicle to
reopen old wounds.
Biology and politics are old adversaries. Back in the 19th
century, shortly after Darwin's landmark work, industrialists and
robber barons alike justified the huge tax-free fortunes they amassed
by claiming it was evolution that had enabled them to assume their
superior role in society, and that the inferior working class should
not form labor unions because this violated the natural order of the
animal kingdom. While modern social engineering programs have since
demonstrated quite the reverse is true, the squid debate continues.
"If nature steps out of line anywhere on the planet," one activist
declared, "it gives the green light to men that it is their genetic
birthright to mistreat women."
One unnamed famous Simpson dream team attorney is preparing a
novel defense for another client -- a Midwest shoe salesman accused of
serial rape. A legal aide quietly referred to this as the calamari
defense, and women are outraged. "This is the type of thing that
needs to be nipped in the bud, so to speak, and this is why we support
immediate sanctions against squid."
Little is known about squid mating, scientists admit, but this
recent discovery has opened the kilometer-deep bedroom door, so to
speak, exposing an ancient practice believed to be hundreds of
millions of years old. Luigi Bonitelli shook his head in despair and
said, "Maybe these a women force me to move back to Palermo, where the
tomatoes are sweeter -- know what I mean?"
Steven Martin Cohen originally prepared this dish for PissOff: a
Daily Rant with No Hype http://www.pissedoff.com, published by Bill
[Publisher's Note: The Libertarian Enterprise is pleased to welcome
Steven Martin Cohen to its pages. Steve wrote Becker's Ring,
(Crown, 1996), Seven Shades of Black, (Warner Books, 1995), and
co-authored Caverns of the Shawangunk and its Environs, Southeastern
New York, (National Speleological Society, 1988). His articles have
appeared in The South Shore Record as well as various newsletters
and speleological publications. He is presently writing several books
Steve makes kinetic sculpture and performs laser light shows (he
created the light shows for the Von Lmo rock band, which involved
designing and executing all visual special effects for more than 40
shows) and has hosted and co-hosted radio and cable television shows.
A toy inventor who holds several U.S. and world patents for games,
puzzles, and toys using digital music, electronics, speech synthesis,
and optics, as an engineer (BSME from Cooper Union), Steve designed a
line of vibratory conveyors and extruders for the macaroni industry,
electrical and mechanical fuzing systems for ballistic warheads, tank
guns, and bazookas, and has worked on inertial platforms used in
navigation systems for warships and fighter planes. He has done
mathematical modeling of complicated systems, computer programming,
and consulted for both the military and commercial sector. He has
designed hundreds of digital and analog circuits used in experimental
prototypes, commercial products, and toys.
Steve is good with tools and has done professional model making,
mechanism design, and prototyping. He explores and maps caves all
over the country, and enjoys skiing, camping, hiking, and fishing.