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35


THE LIBERTARIAN ENTERPRISE
Number 35, January 15, 1998

Squid Declared Politically Incorrect

by Steven Martin Cohen
steve@pissedoff.com

Special to The Libertarian Enterprise

         Two Australian scientists recently discovered a packet of sperm injected under the skin of a female giant squid, thus reinforcing hypotheses about the bizarre mating habits of these fifty foot long invertebrates. Scientists believe when that special urge overtakes the male of the species, he violently tears open the skin of the female and hydraulically injects sperm into the wound, which the female later uses to fertilize her eggs.
         Squid mating has outraged feminist groups across the country. Protests are planned, and an immediate ban on squid consumption and import has been demanded. "It is nothing short of rape," one disgusted spokesperson claimed, and at a recent anti-squid rally, another anonymous source said, "I suspect this will lend some sort of biological imperative, or justification, if you will, to the validity of rough sex, and women simply cannot permit this sort of behavior by men or squid."
         And the First Lady agreed, telling reporters, "I feel the female squid's pain." The White House is expected to assume an official position, but this could present touchy problems for the President, who, like the male squid, is accused of sexual misconduct.
         As the bipartisan politics of squid mating heats up, the fish industry is working out strategies behind closed doors. New York restaurateur, Luigi Bonitelli said, "I like a the calamari, especially with some nice a garlic, and a little red sauce, and a linguine ... maybe a nice a glass of red wine ... " Then he went on to say, "I no care a how a they do it, just so long as it ends up on a somebody's plate."
         Feminists claim this issue goes way beyond food though, and if we condone this behavior in squid, the next thing we know, we'll be condoning rape across America. And who knows where it might lead. Republicans and Democrats are lining up on both sides of the aisle, and once again, this issue is being used as a convenient vehicle to reopen old wounds.
         Biology and politics are old adversaries. Back in the 19th century, shortly after Darwin's landmark work, industrialists and robber barons alike justified the huge tax-free fortunes they amassed by claiming it was evolution that had enabled them to assume their superior role in society, and that the inferior working class should not form labor unions because this violated the natural order of the animal kingdom. While modern social engineering programs have since demonstrated quite the reverse is true, the squid debate continues. "If nature steps out of line anywhere on the planet," one activist declared, "it gives the green light to men that it is their genetic birthright to mistreat women."
         One unnamed famous Simpson dream team attorney is preparing a novel defense for another client -- a Midwest shoe salesman accused of serial rape. A legal aide quietly referred to this as the calamari defense, and women are outraged. "This is the type of thing that needs to be nipped in the bud, so to speak, and this is why we support immediate sanctions against squid."
         Little is known about squid mating, scientists admit, but this recent discovery has opened the kilometer-deep bedroom door, so to speak, exposing an ancient practice believed to be hundreds of millions of years old. Luigi Bonitelli shook his head in despair and said, "Maybe these a women force me to move back to Palermo, where the tomatoes are sweeter -- know what I mean?"

 
Steven Martin Cohen originally prepared this dish for PissOff: a Daily Rant with No Hype http://www.pissedoff.com, published by Bill Folsom bill@pissedoff.com.


[Publisher's Note: The Libertarian Enterprise is pleased to welcome Steven Martin Cohen to its pages. Steve wrote Becker's Ring, (Crown, 1996), Seven Shades of Black, (Warner Books, 1995), and co-authored Caverns of the Shawangunk and its Environs, Southeastern New York, (National Speleological Society, 1988). His articles have appeared in The South Shore Record as well as various newsletters and speleological publications. He is presently writing several books and screenplays.
         Steve makes kinetic sculpture and performs laser light shows (he created the light shows for the Von Lmo rock band, which involved designing and executing all visual special effects for more than 40 shows) and has hosted and co-hosted radio and cable television shows.
         A toy inventor who holds several U.S. and world patents for games, puzzles, and toys using digital music, electronics, speech synthesis, and optics, as an engineer (BSME from Cooper Union), Steve designed a line of vibratory conveyors and extruders for the macaroni industry, electrical and mechanical fuzing systems for ballistic warheads, tank guns, and bazookas, and has worked on inertial platforms used in navigation systems for warships and fighter planes. He has done mathematical modeling of complicated systems, computer programming, and consulted for both the military and commercial sector. He has designed hundreds of digital and analog circuits used in experimental prototypes, commercial products, and toys.
         Steve is good with tools and has done professional model making, mechanism design, and prototyping. He explores and maps caves all over the country, and enjoys skiing, camping, hiking, and fishing.


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