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THE LIBERTARIAN ENTERPRISE
Number 25, April 1, 1997

What's Wrong With Liberals?

(Meet the New Boss, Same as the Old Boss)

By John Cornell
102122.3062@compuserve.com

Special to The Libertarian Enterprise

         Liberals are disgusting because they're so much like Conservatives.
         Liberals have all the worst qualities they ever attacked in Conservatives. Intolerance and bigotry -- against anyone who's succeeded in the economic sector. Censorship -- through denial of free speech. Hate speech -- against those who don't agree with them or who speak out against them.
         Liberals want to feed the world. Conservatives want to defend it. Each side gets to spend what it wants anyway and accuses the other of causing the deficit. Liberals try to force our young people into "public service" while the Conservatives want to force them into the draft. Both sides think force is all right if the "cause" is right. "The end justifies the means."
         Liberals accuse the Conservatives of being interventionist warmongers when we get involved in such "conflicts" as the Gulf War (or whatever we're supposed to call it) or Vietnam (which their darlings JFK and LBJ got us into -- don't mention the supposedly peaceful policies of FDR and Woodrow Wilson). They get us involved in the likes of Haiti and Bosnia. Somalia was the perfect segue from a "conservative" president (Bush) to a liberal one (Clinton) -- we got to try to feed and defend a whole nation at the same time. Thank God for our government dollars at work!
         Liberal "children of the sixties" were the first to cry "police brutality" when arrested. Now that they control the federal law enforcement agencies, they don't let accusations of being "jack-booted thugs" stop them from enforcing their own "vision" of what used to be called "law and order." ("Those planes and guns belong to us now!" say the members of the new regime.)
         Liberals try to control your public life while the Conservatives try to control your private. Liberals force their "social" values down everyone's throat, as their answer to the Conservatives forcing "family" values. Liberals berate any and all opponents as "bigots." Conservatives blast their own as "blasphemers." Liberals use force to compel you to obey their "voluntary" edicts, justifying it while they arrogantly drool their "more-compassionate-than-thou" attitude, to combat the Conservatives who use force to make you obey their own "standards" while preaching with their version of "holier-than-thou."
         Liberals want to keep you from seeing violence on television. Conservatives want to keep you from seeing sex (or having it). Liberals try to control the left side of your brain while the Conservatives try to control the right. The Crudes versus the Prudes. The "Politically Correct" versus the "Moral Majority." Compassion-Compulsion versus Purityranny.
         Liberals are jealous of anyone with a dollar more than they have. Conservatives just want to make sure nobody has a good time. (Per age-old sayings.)
         Liberals want to grow government at 5% per year while Conservatives only want to grow it at 3%. Neither want to shrink it. Each tells you that "Though we're almost as bad as the other guys, you must vote for the lesser of two evils -- and we're it!" Great! You're going to stick it to us either way -- we just get to decide whether we prefer to get it from the one who uses lubricant. Liberals say they're going to take your money and give it away -- and they fulfill that promise. Conservatives say they're not going to take it, then they do and say they're going to give it back to you, but spend it anyway. A crook who follows through with his threats versus a crook who lies and doesn't follow through with his promises.
         Liberal politicians pretend to be conservative (Clinton signs NAFTA, GATT, abolishes national speed limits) while the Conservatives come across as liberal (Bush's "read my lips, no new taxes -- oops, I forgot to add 'until after reelected.'") Dole voting for the increase, for gun laws, rhetoric favoring raising the minimum wage, etc.) Then each side accuses the other of lying and copying their marketing techniques. When we really need to be on the lookout is when they agree -- especially when it's for an increase in government power.
         Liberals want to make the world worse for freedom and individuality through increased statism. Conservatives just want to preserve the bad state it's already in at the present level of statism. Liberals want the government to be everybody's Nanny. Conservatives want it to be everybody's Policeman. Together, in the end, they get in the political bed of the beltway and make Big Brother. Or, as Dean Koontz put it, the "Brave New World Order." Great B flick: "They Saved Hitler's Brain and Glued it Onto the Missing Half of Stalin's."
         Liberals, Conservatives. Democrats, Republicans. Tweedle-dweeb and Tweedle-dumb. Dumbo and Dumber. They have something in common: they initiate force against people to accomplish their own goals, while claiming to represent the will of the people.
         What a choice!

Epitaph Epilog (Epic-Log)

         In the old days a man would make a date with a woman. He'd pick her up at her house and take her in his car to a nice restaurant. There, they'd have a few drinks. Then a steak dinner. Then they'd go to one of their homes (or a motel), watch a "dirty" movie and make love. Topped off with a smoke in bed.
         What do we have now? The Liberals take away the car, so you have to ride the bus. They take away the red meat and make you eat tired, bland chicken or fish. Then they try to forbid you your cigarettes. The man of the couple is guilty of "date rape" until proven innocent. And she pays her own way.
         The Conservatives, on the other hand, take away the alcohol. They ban the pornography. They try their damnedest to stop the sex (because they "care" about your "moral purity"), while the Liberals try to make you use a condom (because they "care" about your health and pleasure.)
         No wonder male and female relationships are so screwed up nowadays with all these guys fighting for control of our lives!

Postscript

         Republican Party is just an anagram for Lib Up Near A Crypt.
         Democratic Party is just an anagram for Crap Tray Time, Doc!


John Cornell is a finance professional whose personal goal is to spread rational, Objectivist and libertarian ideas by writing and publishing libertarian science fiction and literary novels, stories and articles and occasional pieces of political satire and humor.



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